Frightility Part Deux

 We are IN this. and I should have written sooner if I was going to document this properly, but I didn't and here we are so this might be a two part-er of part 2.

It's literally fine.

So let's begin.

So since we last spoke, I had my egg retrieval, and my transfer and there has been emotions on emotions. 

Also, I am basically a doctor now, because I am going to school for medical coding and ALSO because I give myself so many shots that I should be charging myself a deductible and Tricare should be paying me but that is neither here nor there. 

So we did a couple of weeks of shots to produce more follicles which hold eggs,  the follicles can hold anywhere between 0-2 eggs.  They have you develop more follicles than normal so that way you have the best chances.  Well when I woke up, they had egggstracted 16 eggs, which is incredible.

8 of them made it through the fertilization process and 6 of them made it through the cryopreservation process after developing for more than 5 days, which means they have more likely of a chance surviving because there are a lot of cells. 

So I had 6 Capt America Babies.  

Well during my egg retrieval they had to perform a surgery to make sure I didn't have anything adhering to my uterus which would prevent implanting, so they went in and when they go in to make sure they put more saline in there  which would destroy the embryos, so I had to wait a couple of weeks * a month to be exact, before I could start to prep my body for a FET, aka a Frozen Embryo Transfer.

We did our Frozen Embryo Transfer on Monday Oct 9th.

And you know how I like to keep things super interesting....I decided although advised against.. to do 2 embryos.  Yes, I said that correctly...2.

The reason they usually advise against is because those embryos can, also multiply.  I could have more than 2... but in my heart of hearts I knew that God wanted me to do two. I couldn't stop the force that was coming at me.  Something kept pulling me to do two, so we did two. 

I hope it means something.  I guess I am writing now because between crying every 5 minutes over silly things, and the exhaustion that I am just finally at a point where this is it.

We find out tomorrow morning if I am officially pregnant. And I am honestly so petrified.

I have done everything, absolutely everything in my control to make this happen.. and its now completely out of my hands. I can't take anything I can't do anything at this moment to change the outcome. 

and that terrifies me. 

This is the truest testament of faith that if it is meant to be for us it will be and if it is not then it is not. 

And I have to be okay with that.

I am in completely over my head and I have to be strong regardless of the news tomorrow.  

I really don't know if I am more scared that it did take or if it didn't. I really don't know. 

But I do know that I am scared. I do know how I felt went I saw those embryos go in. I do know my husband is the best partner that could ever exist.  

Seriously though. I have been on hormones since August.  I have already shown him so much crazy that its unreal, and he has been patient with me and this has been really hard on the both of us.

I guess I am just so nervous that I don't know how to be right now.  We will find out 15 hours. 

Shit I am losing it. 

Catch Up or Caught Down?

 I figured it was about time to start writing again.  I have had a lot of things to work through since I last spoke and a lot has changed.  Priorities have changed, life has changed, and time never stops. 

And the journey never ends.  I have still been battling with endometriosis, and the surgeries and management of the disease never ends. But things have been a lot better since my last surgery in December of 2021.  The surgery ending up being robotics and it rid me of a lot of excess scarring which was definitely an issue when it came to pain. 

I still have pain, which I know will never fade, but I have been trying to live a better/healthier lifestyle to combat some of the influences I have control over.  

Don't get me wrong.. I will still have the occasional drink, but the wilding out (Nick Cannon voice) has died down significantly.

Honestly, its probably because I am 32 (I am pretty sure) now and hangovers last an entire moon cycle, and I really don't have the time or capacity for that anymore.

But small catch up:   I am married now.. Yes it's true (I can't believe it either), I tricked him so hard and now he is stuck with me.  Until death do us part dawg.  And if I die before him and he thinks I want him to "move on"... he has another thing coming... if I am dying guest what mothereffer you are getting in with me and we can go together... I will haunt the shit out of him. 

Honestly, what is really wild is before I met my angel, the man that saved my life.. I was planning on having a full hysterotomy.  

No shit, I had it all planned out. I was going to do it in October, and we met in August.  I was determined to snip snap, until I met him.  

I looked in his eyes and I knew that's going to be my baby daddy. So I decided to spontaneously keep it all up in there in hopes I could make him fall in love with me and eventually knock me up with some shots and a petri dish.

So we got married, we moved away to a new state, and I am out of the service industry and I have flipped my life all the way into a pretzel.

I would probably be freaking out if I didn't have him. 

Now the mental is a thing... I know this has been my story of infertility and that's a huge portion of who I am because of the trials and tribulations I have faced dealing with this imperfect being that is human. 

But my mental.. jeez louise.. its been all types of what the hell.  

Like scary. And I have no idea how to deal with this.  

I have no idea how to handle my own brain.  

It's terrifying.  How am I supposed to be a mother if I am a complete psychopath who cries in the bath while listening to Paramore. 

I can't even pull myself sometimes out of the dark abyss and I am expecting myself to just pop out octuplicates and be like good? I have a good support team which is rare and beautiful, and I am lucky.

Honestly, I am lucky to be alive. Life will either eat you or it won't. It's so easy to just throw in the towel and say, nope I am done with the pain, I am done with the sadness, I am done with the hurt,  I am done with the tears, I am done with the sorrow.

 I am just done.  And that's not you.. You aren't meant to be done.  

There is a plan.  There is hope.  There is support.  It's okay to take a pill to be okay.  It's okay to feel sad, but it's not okay to feel like you are nothing, because you are someone's something, whether you know it or not. 

I didn't mean to go on some crazy rampage, and it's been 2 years and I am coming in soooo hot. But I will write more, I think.  I might have lost my touch, because the rumors are true... if you don't use it you will lose it.

But I will have more to discuss like: the baby grant I applied for, and Colorado doing some awesome IVF advancements... like insurance... covering...part... of....IVF... okay too many surprises. But basically life is good. It's still crazy. I am still a wreck of a person, but a girl is trying to just wake up in the morning and be alive.