Comparing thee to a rose? I sure hope not.

Well...

Let's start of where this came about and, then I'll kind of run you through my thoughts here.

So the other night I was out with some friends.  I gave a group of future babes a ride home.  I say future babes because I am older than them which wasn't a huge deal other than I wish I could be them because they were hammered, and I was being responsible and feeling generous

 and anyways..

On the way to there destination, this girl says...

"Oh my God David (I really don't remember what his name was because it's not relevant so we will just say David) texted me and he totally thinks I have gotten way more attractive from the last time we dated. He was the best sex of my life, but he is totally a terrible person  Like what should I say."

Before anyone else could answer I immediately said..." say nothing."

She said, "what do you mean?"

I told her,
"You say absolutely nothing.  And here is why.  Do you value yourself as a person? What made him a terrible person? His response clearly makes him realize he has you, always has, and will continue to treat you that way.  Do you want that?"

She replies, "well no...."

I, then, say, "We accept the love we think we deserve.  If you let people treat you that way they will always treat you that way because you allow it.  Don't put up with it.  Someone in this world will value you as the person you are.  We all make sacrifices to chose love, but it depends on the sacrifice.  Sacrificing leaving your tooth brush in the tooth brush holder over the sink... that's a sacrifice you should make,  not sacrificing your quirkiness or your ability to care."

She began to tell me how when she grows up she wants to be me, which is absurd, but she was drunk texting her ex boyfriend, so that's where we were at.

I dropped them off left, thinking maybe I should be an Uber driver, and then thinking...

In majority of my past ...I was that drunk girl in my car.  Letting people decide what my value was.

I wasn't better than her...I was preaching to the whole gospel choir.

She was comparing this bro to a rose.

The premise of a rose is beautiful, gentle, fragile, slowly unfolding... blah blah blah.  When I should have seen that beauty is the petals.. a rose sucks.
It's pretty and that's about it.
It has atrocious thorns, and it takes over a whole garden, if not pruned.
A rose can be beautiful but if that's all you want; be a rose.

There will always be someone prettier.
There will always be someone funnier.
There will always be someone better at other things than you are.
There will always be someone nicer than you.
There will always be something.

The trick here is that when you are with someone and they realize there will never be another person that is you.
That is the goal of a relationship.  All things a side they pick you.

I'd rather be someones Gerbera Daisy than a rose anyways.

HAPPY(?) ONE YEAR

Congratulation to myself. 

 And I do not mean that sarcastically.  Seriously.

I have now known for an entire year more about myself than I ever thought I could.  

Things that I never would have guessed about myself. 

I am beyond cool with my body at this point.  I have always been a heterosexual female, but I have definitely in the last year had more woman look at my naked body than anyone else.  

I did actually venture out of my comfort zone and I had a boyfriend for a brief period of time.  Which of course #noregrats not even 3 months. 

Still a little bit of a flesh-wound 

But in other news, 

I am literally pelvis deep into my physical therapy.  

I go two times a week still, for my personal training of my pelvic floor.

No weights necessary. 

It's still very weird.  It gets a little better in the aspect of you know what is going to happen but that doesn't really mean you want it to, so at least you are mentally prepared....::shrugs shoulders::

But I really feel like I need to watch the news more to have more things to talk about with Dr.B.  I mean the last thing on earth I want to happen while she is making sure those muscle are mobile, is for us to run out of things to talk about.

She is no Dr. S,but you could say things are getting pretty serious with us.

There have been a few times were she is making sure I am doing things right.  No I don't want to talk about it.

But.

I will say the biggest change I have seen is my external scar decreasing.

It's by no means gone, but the change has been significant, which moderately boost my self-esteem. 

moderately. 

I am still not going to show anyone.  

I wore a one piece this summer that was way too small for my body in front of my family to make sure no one saw it.

I doubt I will ever really get there with that one.

The pain has been less frequent as well.  Which is the largest plus of all. The determination has been that the scar tissue itself is the the "true" culprit, so we could  have another surgery. 

A surgery. 

Another one. 

I'm like the DJ Khaled of woman's heath surgeries... 

 

I am hoping by my last visit on October 21st that I will be much better and there will be no need of 

Another one. 

  

The Ex Files: Part Three: Brew

This might actually be the hardest one to write.

I met him right before my 20th birthday.  He had just moved next door to my boyfriend at the time.
My first impression was: fun, cute, and a mess.

He had become my best friend, and I can honestly say I had no romantic feelings for him in the beginning.   Thinking back at it now this might be gross to say but, I viewed him like a big brother. 

He and I would stay up late at night drinking and laughing and talking.  The night we truly became best friends, he and I were up still after everyone else had gone to bed and we were dancing to
I Get Around by the Beach Boys in his kitchen.  We were laughing and yelling the words as he spun me around the kitchen. 
 
The first time I saw him naked was under the worst conditions.
We were playing my boyfriend at the time and our best friend in a game of beer pong. 
We were completely shut out.
We had to streak.
It was snowing.
We had to get naked run next door touch the door together, high-five, and run back.
I had never been streaking before. 
He took his clothes off like he was in the NBA. It was the most impressive swift movements I had ever seen.  
He had taken off before I had removed my first layer of pants to reveal my long-johns.

He was laughing.
This contagious laugh that makes everyone laugh.
The only things he said to me was nice tattoo...
 -----
We remained just friends until one night.
Tuesdays Gone came on and he disappeared. 
I went to go check on him and he was hiding his tears.
He has just lost his grandmother and was very upset, so I grabbed him and hugged him.

And that's when he kissed me and told me he loved me.

That's when everything changed.

My boyfriend and I broke up at the time, and I told him I was in love with someone else.

Then I got back together with the boyfriend a week later.
 It was a gigantic mess to say the least.

I loved them both for two different reasons.

It forever ruined that friendship.

We did end up dating for over a year, a year and a half later.
 
We moved in together and we had so many wonderful beautiful times together.

My favorite time was when he gave me a birth"week". 
For 7 days he did the sweetest things for me. 
The first night I will never forget. 
We use to go sit on the roof at our home, and that night, he took me up to the part where you can actually lay down and we drank a few beers and we laid out under the stars together.  It was simple but, sweet.  Which was his style.

But we couldn't get past me leaving him to be back with my ex the first time.
I started to depend on him too much.  I became bothersome and annoying.

I let my insecurities come back out, which killed us again.

We, too, grew apart.  I started letting myself get too comfortable and more of a burden.
And he really hated my bobby pins all over our house. 

Him and I might never be friends again.  I miss that the most though.  He was my best friend.
I wish him all the happiness in the world.  He is such a kind person, caring, loving, and I just want him to be happy. 

My past relationships have shaped me into who I am today.  In the past I have been sad about them but I am no longer sad about those past relationships because they happened and they were real and I know they loved me too. 
And they know they did.

Nothing will take away what me and any of my previous boyfriends have been through together.

I love all three of those men to this day.  All for different reasons. They helped me get through my darkest times whether they realize it or not, and have helped shape me into the strong, independent, goal-oriented beautiful person I am today.

And for that I will love them until I die. 

The Ex Files: Part Two: Mr. Dick

We dated for a long time... off and on for the better half of three years.  That doesn't include the 10 months at the beginning when, I had to trick him into dating me.

That's a thing I do, by the way.  If you don't want to date me, I will hang out until I wear you down and then, the next thing we are together.

The first time I met him I had just gotten back from Spring Break my freshman year from Florida with my family.  I was talking to this guy while I was gone and he invited me over to his friend's house and that's when I saw this gorgeous creature. 
I hung out with my girl friend  over there for an hour or so and then we headed to a party. 
I couldn't stop thinking about that blonde haired, blue eyed master piece. 
So I got drunk and went back over to hang out with him.
I was 19 at the time and they wanted to go to the bar.
So the first time we kissed I was drinking underage at a bar.
This was, also, the first time I had ever drank at a bar.

I was living in a different town, but he would make the effort to come see me.
Once he surprised me at my dorm.  Tackled me to the ground and I cried.
 
We had so many adventures together.

He was the best boyfriend I had ever had.
He was my biggest supporter, and cheerleader.
I was so in love with him.

Fireworks, holidays with our families, birthdays, ski trips, the aquarium, spontaneous trips to Amarillo, going to the lake, waking up in the middle of the night singing to John Mayer and Something Corporate, snow dayss, my car wreck, bingo. So many memories. 

Which it has been 4 years since we have been together, and the montage of events of us are always similar to the memories Facebook shows me which, are all the good times.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it all really happened. 

They weren't all good. 

I was so insecure in our relationship.  I use to go through his phone because I didn't trust him. 
Things would happen, and he would disappear for days and I couldn't understand what was happening.

We were growing up but something wasn't right.  We were grow-up but growing apart.
It was so strange.

It was like a train wreck that I could see coming but couldn't stop or get out of the way from. 
 
It wasn't later that I found out there was a substance issue that destroyed him, and us.

I didn't know what was going on and I tried to tell him we were falling apart but things ended up bad,  I left him for one of his "best friends".

I am a terrible girlfriend.  You were warned. 

Years later, he turned his whole life around.  He is an amazing person.  He needed away from all of this.  I loved him, and I still have so much love for him.

Last I heard he has a beautiful girlfriend and treats her how I wish I could have been treated for the last year of our relationship.  I am very proud of him, and hope he knows I am still hoping the best for him.

 I haven't heard from him since 2014 but, maybe that's for the best for both of us.

I still tear up when I hear Dig by Incubus, if I can make it through the first 30 seconds.

The Ex Files: Part One: Freak Boy

There are over 300 reasons of why I am not dating anyone at the moment.

200 of those reasons are because of the kind of person I am, and how I like being alone. 

I have screwed up tremendously throughout all of my relationships.

 It is always after we break up and I go through my "post-breakup insan-o binge" that I figure out that it's because I am a mess of a human.

Mainly we breakup because I don't know exactly what I want in life.
It's a little bit better now because I have a better understanding of who I am now, and why I am the way I am the way I am.

I have surprisingly become more confident in myself, comparative to how I use to be.   Scary huh.

When you don't know what you want in life, your insecurities are tenfold because you are a lost, codependent little puppy.

I have had several boyfriends most lasting 6 months tops, with the exception of two.

I have been truly IN head over heels love with 3 people.

And I am doing a three part series where I am going to talk about them.
(Oh yes, this is going to be fun) 

The first was the absolute worst boyfriend I had ever had in my life.
The first time we met was at a party in the 8th grade.  He was a year older than me and tied to a chair with duct tape the first time I laid eyes on him.
 And then we proceeded to lock tongues for 2 hours, and he left with out telling me anything more than his first name.  This was my first time kissing a stranger, but his high school scruff and long curly blonde locks had me at "will you help me out of this duct tape?" 

Then, I ran into him two months later at a movie with his friend and my friend who were dating.  He was eating a Quzino's sandwich in the middle of a theater.
 I fell very hard.
Apparently, at the ripe ole age of 13 it doesn't take a lot to fall in love.
Then when I finally reached high school we dated for one week, where he ended up cheating on me with another girl on my birthday, and the night of homecoming.

We were very young and stupid, and I was in love, so naturally I had to get him back and make him pay for it.
I got back at him by dating his best friend, and kissing boys in front of him.
To where he would yell at me. 
Needless to say, we were far past the point of return: he wanted me back and I wanted him.   These reasons were purely from the fact we didn't want to see each other with anyone else. 
We wrote each other notes in the hallway, that I still have in my room. 
He use to sneak into my basement and we would talk late at night, and I would get caught every single time.
But I didn't care.

He moved away and I moved away after my freshman year.  I thought I would never hear from him again.
I was 15 years old, and had no idea about the world, or what was actually important in life and not.

I knew I was wrapped around his finger though.  We kept in contact here and there when we left.  I moved to Oklahoma and he to Tennessee.  I didn't think we were going to cross paths.
We had the most messed up relationship you could have.  But what came from it what the closest bond I have ever had with another person.

He completely destroyed me as a person in every single aspect of the word when we were children.  He made me believe that, that was how another person was supposed to be treated.
That was not the case obviously and for some reason the forces of the universe kept us close.
A huge part has to deal with me being a completely forgiving push-over and wanting acceptance and love from everyone.

But this beautiful disaster came from it. 

He did take me to my first dance ever as a freshman and my last dance ever as a senior.
We still  talk regularly and see each other at least once a year.

I would not be the person I am today without him in my life.  
We have the strangest, rarest relationship in the world.