Comparing thee to a rose? I sure hope not.

Well...

Let's start of where this came about and, then I'll kind of run you through my thoughts here.

So the other night I was out with some friends.  I gave a group of future babes a ride home.  I say future babes because I am older than them which wasn't a huge deal other than I wish I could be them because they were hammered, and I was being responsible and feeling generous

 and anyways..

On the way to there destination, this girl says...

"Oh my God David (I really don't remember what his name was because it's not relevant so we will just say David) texted me and he totally thinks I have gotten way more attractive from the last time we dated. He was the best sex of my life, but he is totally a terrible person  Like what should I say."

Before anyone else could answer I immediately said..." say nothing."

She said, "what do you mean?"

I told her,
"You say absolutely nothing.  And here is why.  Do you value yourself as a person? What made him a terrible person? His response clearly makes him realize he has you, always has, and will continue to treat you that way.  Do you want that?"

She replies, "well no...."

I, then, say, "We accept the love we think we deserve.  If you let people treat you that way they will always treat you that way because you allow it.  Don't put up with it.  Someone in this world will value you as the person you are.  We all make sacrifices to chose love, but it depends on the sacrifice.  Sacrificing leaving your tooth brush in the tooth brush holder over the sink... that's a sacrifice you should make,  not sacrificing your quirkiness or your ability to care."

She began to tell me how when she grows up she wants to be me, which is absurd, but she was drunk texting her ex boyfriend, so that's where we were at.

I dropped them off left, thinking maybe I should be an Uber driver, and then thinking...

In majority of my past ...I was that drunk girl in my car.  Letting people decide what my value was.

I wasn't better than her...I was preaching to the whole gospel choir.

She was comparing this bro to a rose.

The premise of a rose is beautiful, gentle, fragile, slowly unfolding... blah blah blah.  When I should have seen that beauty is the petals.. a rose sucks.
It's pretty and that's about it.
It has atrocious thorns, and it takes over a whole garden, if not pruned.
A rose can be beautiful but if that's all you want; be a rose.

There will always be someone prettier.
There will always be someone funnier.
There will always be someone better at other things than you are.
There will always be someone nicer than you.
There will always be something.

The trick here is that when you are with someone and they realize there will never be another person that is you.
That is the goal of a relationship.  All things a side they pick you.

I'd rather be someones Gerbera Daisy than a rose anyways.

Buck-Up ButterCup

Alright... Listen... I have been on this rocky-road of emotions lately.

It's probably my "hypothetical" time of the month... I say hypothetical because I don't really get one of those anymore.... per se... I mean I still am an emotional roller-coaster during that time and things...happen....

I'll let you guess when it is... don't worry I don't know either.
I did have one boyfriend download the "P. Tracker" App... I think he was just as confused when I would cry and laugh all in the same 10 second span.
And he would plead,

"ITS NOT EVEN TIME YET!"

It's fine.
Anyways,  I noticed I get really down about things when I am stressed out.  And telling me to stop stressing out, stresses me out more.

It's like a never-ending circle of awful for myself.

I have gotten a little less crazy with the stress... like I don't pull my eyelashes out anymore... so that's cool.  Well I try not to...

(By the way that's why I wear false eyelashes, sometimes, because it consciously makes me not do it)

Through this new bout of stress, I want to address something.

I have an amazing life.

I really do.  I am doing very well with my job for an amazing company.  I just moved into a house not too long ago.  I just bought a car.  I have an amazing family.  I have a wonderful dog,  And I have some good close friends.

I have so much to be thankful for.

Everyone goes through something.

I do have to go to the doctor all the time which is a little unfortunate, but
I am still breathing.  I could be the opposite of that.
(I'm not trying to jinx myself here)

I get down about trivial things all the time.  But I have to remind myself.

Why? Why are you letting that effect you?

It's easier said than done.

My favorite thing to do is think about the good times, think about plans I have made.. and the goals I have for myself.

If I let the darkness of self-pity run my life, I would kill myself.
I am so much better than that.
I have too much to offer.

Do I love waking up in pain every day? No, I don't love that.
Do I love that I can't get a date because I can't have a family? No, I don't love that. 
Do I love that I have and my family have spent thousands of dollars on medical bills with no change in getting better? No, I don't love that.
Do I love that I cry over stupid things because I can't get my emotions under-control from the hormones I have to take? No, I don't love that.

But I do love waking up every day. And I do love myself despite the flaws.  And I do love my family.
I know the pain gets hard.  I know, God I know.
I wouldn't wish this kind of pain physical or mental on my worst enemy.

But what makes all of this worth it, is the person I have become from it.

I slip up sometimes and have a little too much to drink and cry a lot and I do mean  A LOT.
And call everyone in my family to hear my tears of self-loathing.
But I am trying.

I am finding my way in these twist and turns of fate.
I never thought in a million years would happen to me. 
I would have never guessed it.

And the hardest part of it all is forgiveness.
I am struggling the most with forgiving myself.

I blame myself for this happening. That I went wrong somewhere and that I deserve it.

I have to remind myself when I feel in doubt,

You are good enough.  This is not your fault.  You are strong. 

If I say it enough to myself, I'll believe it.

I feel like I am getting close.

The main thing that gives me hope, and should give you hope is:

You were put on this earth for a reason, find out that reason.  You are handed all these things in life because you are one of the strong ones. You should view this as a challenge and challenge accepted.


Remember that. Never give up hope.

Building a Wall Out of Tire Parts and Sticky Tape: The Alff Presentation

I mentioned a long time ago that I began this blog initially for this blogging class I am currently enrolled in.

It has obviously turned into something way bigger than that but, I still mentioned it.  That did happen.

Well part of the "criteria" we have to talk about our presentation in this class and our "blog adoption".


I ended up doing this adoption over Shawn Alff,  who I am pretty sure is the only man I know that can pull-off a leopard print thong, and still be one of the sexiest people I have ever seen.

The adoption, also, gave me a reason to genuinely stalk this guy, in a way that would get me less likely to be arrested, and more likely be able to find out everything in the world about this person, minus his social security number, and his address.

I am still working on his address.

I think the girl on the right has very nice butt. 

But outside his charming demeanor and super hot bod,  he is one of the best writers I have ever seen.

I ended up writing a 2,500+ word, thoroughly thought out paper over this guy.  It's almost embarrassing, and more than moderately creepy.

He doesn't hate it though.
He did tell me, if need be,  I could write his relationship profile because, let's just say, I was selling him like I was giving away free water at Wakarusa.

I knew I was a good wingman, and an even better, twat-swat to myself.

I was going to attach the paper, which I know is going to be way too long for my blog, BUT it's, also, one of the best papers I have ever written because, Shawn actually gave me most of the material, and was the easiest subject to write about.

But it really is too long, but if you want to read it, I will send it to you, or I will come to where you are and give you the presentation.  I mean this paper is nine pages double-spaced.

I clearly have no self-control.

The powerpoint is so good, too.   Here is a picture of us.

Shawn and I

But see, also, I waited to write about him because today is his birthday and he told me that he never really has an amazing birthday, which makes me sad because I am not there to throw confetti or like make a pudding bath out of gluten-free pudding because I don't want to waste good pudding.

He's writing is not only funny but it puts on display his every fear and insecurity, which resonates with so many people.

You can read his stuff at www.shawnalff.com

You won't regret it.
I surely didn't.

Where They At Though?

Something has been really been on my mind lately.


Let's back it up for a second..
So little information about me is I am a brat.  A military one. We moved around constantly.  The only consistent people in my life have been my family.  I lucked out with them because they are awesome.
That being said we moved here the year I turned 16.  


I was not a good kid.  I did awful things. I made terrible decisions.  I was young and rebellious.  I have since grown-up, but I ruined a lot of relationships the first few years here. 
Which has led me to now.


I have a lot of playground friends. Those are people I can call up a couple, grab a few brewskis with, and tear up the evening.


This has changed quite a bit since I've become "sick".
I don't feel well most of the time, so smashing 1942 isn't on the top of my list. 


I have to really not feeling well to turn down my boo, Senor Julio.


When you can't play, what's the point of being around you?


I mean.. I know you are like, "Kelsey that's so silly. People hang out with you all the time. You have like 3,000 Facebook friends. 324 likes on a picture.  You are so funny, and fun."


You are right.  I am a lot of fun. I am extremely inappropriate. I like to people watch.  I am actually kind of an asshole, but in a very douche-y, sweet way.  I am salty, and sweet; the perfect combination.
But, I have gone my whole life being a Weekend Warrior, even a Tuesday Warrior.
I don't discriminate against the day of the week.


Why would I start attracting people now who don't go out.  That's not my style. 


Friendships are so weird; you, like, find a person that you get along with for longer than 15 minutes, you do stuff together, and then you like talk to them when you aren't together, but you don't want to sleep together.  If you do, you violate the friendship and someone gets upset.
Friend-zone is so important if you don't want to completely ruin the chances of staying "just friends".
That's why They call me BK aka Boner Killer. I am very good at friend-zoning guys.

I have trouble holding on to women relationships.  I am not sure why.
Me, I don't like using the bathroom at the same time. It's weird. I don't understand it. Why do we have to go in there together. I am actually kind of pee-shy.
I don't like going on and on about boys.  I mean they are cool, but if I like him; I'll tell him.  If he is making me mad; he will know. We don't have to talk about it.
 
I did have an amazing friendship once with a girl. I miss her a lot.


I just don't understand how to make them now. I don't understand how to walk up to another human being at this point and say, "Hey, I want you to come over to my house and watch 100 episodes of Law and Order: SVU with me because I don't ever feel well."
Good Luck on a Friday night.


A lot of people I like, that are woman, have children.  It's hard to not feel upset, when it's not something we have in common, or that I can share with them.  I am so happy for them, but I can't help but feel envious.  Maybe that's why I have a tough time with it.  Maybe, it's hard for me because I don't feel like a complete woman.


Does one ever get over that?