Building a Wall Out of Tire Parts and Sticky Tape: The Alff Presentation

I mentioned a long time ago that I began this blog initially for this blogging class I am currently enrolled in.

It has obviously turned into something way bigger than that but, I still mentioned it.  That did happen.

Well part of the "criteria" we have to talk about our presentation in this class and our "blog adoption".


I ended up doing this adoption over Shawn Alff,  who I am pretty sure is the only man I know that can pull-off a leopard print thong, and still be one of the sexiest people I have ever seen.

The adoption, also, gave me a reason to genuinely stalk this guy, in a way that would get me less likely to be arrested, and more likely be able to find out everything in the world about this person, minus his social security number, and his address.

I am still working on his address.

I think the girl on the right has very nice butt. 

But outside his charming demeanor and super hot bod,  he is one of the best writers I have ever seen.

I ended up writing a 2,500+ word, thoroughly thought out paper over this guy.  It's almost embarrassing, and more than moderately creepy.

He doesn't hate it though.
He did tell me, if need be,  I could write his relationship profile because, let's just say, I was selling him like I was giving away free water at Wakarusa.

I knew I was a good wingman, and an even better, twat-swat to myself.

I was going to attach the paper, which I know is going to be way too long for my blog, BUT it's, also, one of the best papers I have ever written because, Shawn actually gave me most of the material, and was the easiest subject to write about.

But it really is too long, but if you want to read it, I will send it to you, or I will come to where you are and give you the presentation.  I mean this paper is nine pages double-spaced.

I clearly have no self-control.

The powerpoint is so good, too.   Here is a picture of us.

Shawn and I

But see, also, I waited to write about him because today is his birthday and he told me that he never really has an amazing birthday, which makes me sad because I am not there to throw confetti or like make a pudding bath out of gluten-free pudding because I don't want to waste good pudding.

He's writing is not only funny but it puts on display his every fear and insecurity, which resonates with so many people.

You can read his stuff at www.shawnalff.com

You won't regret it.
I surely didn't.

Oprah in the Spring

Oh the babies are abundant this time of year. 


All the little gremlins are all making their appearances from those steamy summer nights.


I went to see one of my best girl friends brand new baby today.
I was a little apprehensive at first due to my extreme awkwardness around babies to begin with and that this will be the first baby I've actually seen since the surgery. 


I have no idea how I have done it but I have managed to avoid seeing small people until this day. 
Besides social media exposing every single baby bump, new born, and first walks. 


Anyways, I received a message from one of my other dear friends that I hadn't seen since the summer at her baby shower.  I had yet to meet her new baby; not because I didn't want to but because it's honestly really hard to see something so cool and cute and small; and not feel a sense of sadness and jealousy.


I have said it 100 times; I don't want a baby right now, but it begins to haunt your thoughts when you can't. 


Seriously though, this little 7 month old baby was so cool. I, eventually, built up the courage to hold her.  She was like just making all these noises and yelling, but not because she was upset, but she just wanted to make noise.   It was so strange to hold this little human that has thoughts, and facial expressions.  I normally talk to babies like they are just another person.
Baby S and I talked politics, about the time her mom and I did some reckless nonsense, and then I drove her around the hospital room in the baby burrito holder that the new born baby rolled out on..
And of course, I licked her. 


It's my thing.  All of my friends children I have licked.  It's like a good luck thing.


The usual stuff.


I may or may not have had some expression of feelings with saline like forms of water coming from my eyes.


I'm even worse when it comes to new born babies.  I have no idea how to act around them.  Like they are super, duper small and I am not exactly sure what you are suppose to do with them.


Like am I suppose to do something?


These two girls and I use to hang out frequently before our lives all went in different directions.
That being said all of us could go months with out seeing each other and still have a lot of love for each other.  They are very similar to the person that I am.


I  feel like me in a mom form would be very similar to how they are as parents, which is honestly the strangest thing I have ever seen. 
I never pictured either one of these crazy, wild ones as moms but they are, and they are killing it.


I do feel like my situation is a blessing with in itself.  I have no idea what my plan is in life and that's fine. 


Perhaps, I wasn't meant to be a mom. I am kind of uncomfortable when I am around them.


Which is so strange because I am a woman.  I have the parts of being a woman. I just can't do what women do.


Am I like that Britney Spears song, "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"? 


My older sister use to sing that song to my younger sister, until she started her period..  Then she would tell her she upgraded to a woman. 


I don't even have a period any more.
I mean that's super tight.
But, what does it mean for me?
I am 25 years old.


It's all very perplexing to think about.


And I do think about all these things. More than I should.


It's all so conflicting when I get caught up in my own mind on decisions I will eventually have to make. 


Will I ever even be able to be with someone long enough to be like will you be my baby daddy, or will  I decide to just not do that?


Will I adopt?


Will I try and go through IVF and have a baby?


Will I ask my sister to be my sister wife and carry my baby, and be a surrogate but have the baby call her Aunt-Mom?


Will I say screw it and never have kids?


I mean they are like a lot of responsibility, and I can barely take care of myself.


This is overwhelming.


I really shouldn't write at night.

Can I love Something Other Than Myself.

So I have always wondered if I wanted children.

The idea of like sticky children walking around crying and yelling and destroying things.  It really freaks me out. Like why are they always that sticky. 

I was a nanny once and I realized I could not handle having 3 children.  I would end up drinking as much as their stay-at-home mom did. 

Don't worry I think they had an intervention for her and she is in rehab...

I have always seen myself, even a few years ago, adopting children.  At least one.  

I'm not sure why I just have.

I know what I am about to say is not the same thing at all; I get it. 

You don't have to tell me.
But May 25th of 2014, the greatest joy I have ever known was born.  Lane.
My girlfriend from Tulsa posted these pictures of this little baby thing, and I knew I had to have her.  

I was out drinking every night, and I was definitely in the craziest point in my life.
I had like blonde hair, bleach blonde hair.  And going through the worst break up of my life.

I am doing good now, but I was pretty psycho for a cool minute, not like burn our old place down psycho, but like raging alcoholic psycho. And I cut all my hair off.  It's fine. 

Anyways, I contacted my girlfriend from Tulsa, and told her that I had to have her.  

Baby Lane 

So she was mine.  I changed a lot because of her.  I had to like step up and not go out anymore and take care of my girl.  I wanted to like call her and check on her.  My parents were helpful when I had to work and stuff, but dude she was super cool.

I like her.

In a sense, she saved me.  I was on a path of destruction and she saved my liver from more scarring that I already have.

(That's a fact; my liver has scarring....That's a whole other story) 

But my point of this is that I didn't think, or know if I could love something like it was mine when I didn't have it. 

If that makes sense. 

But I could.  

I love her like she came from my loins. 

Yeah.. Loins. 

She sleeps with me every night. We hang out.  She barks when she hears something, so naturally I always feel safe.  I mean she isn't going to protect me because she is terrified, but I will get a pre-warning to, like, get strapped before things are about to pop off. 

I definitely think adoption is like a top consideration, if I decide to have children. 

Big Lane and Mommy. 

Or I'll just have 37 dogs.

Both are very plausible.

Graphic In Nature

I had a very long talk last night with a good friend of mine.  She is going through something so different, yet we can relate so much.


My friend's pelvic floor is completely destroyed due to a form of birth control.  She has endured 3 surgeries in 3 years for 3 different issues involving her reproductive system.  Doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have a full Hysterectomy by the age of 28 due to pain of your pelvic floor, then it becomes a big deal.


Hysterectomy (if you want it in my terms, is the whole thing gone: egg holder, baby holder, and the Bering Strait; all gone) is the real deal. 
You can't go back. But, she had to do this. 

We had a long talk about relationships, our goals, and our struggles.

I felt for her.  She has never wanted to have children so the news of not being able to have one was not as heart-breaking as it would be to some. 
She just wants to be a normal person again.

 See with these surgeries, when you have problems in the "south-pole", they are never really a one-and-done kind of thing. 

When one problem occurs lots of problems could happen, and it can take awhile before you can return to doing the things you love, or even normal activities.

The thing that makes us as woman is in complete jeopardy.

Being as young as we are it makes the whole becoming a woman thing kind of a running joke.

I only had my period for half of my life before it decided to retire. 

People do tell me all the time how lucky I am to not have a period.
Brah...I'll trade you.

I started this blog because of this. 

There are so, so, so many women going through these problems.  They are not just painful on the person itself, but the spirit.

I have been searching for a peer-led support group to help with this because hearing her story (and many of the stories I have heard from people reading my blog) have not only helped her or you by telling it, but it has helped me.  But most groups are for those who have experienced miscarriages, and those who are dealing with infertility with a partner.

I mean, I have no problem showing up alone, but that's what it feels like...being alone.

Family is cool, and friends are great, but if you tell me to adopt or there are other options; I am going to punch you in the face.
You think we don't know that. 
We know the cost.
We know most of the options.

But we are living in a society where women that should have children are on their third or fourth, and I am praying for a miracle, or hoping that maybe 40,000 dollars for adoption will be able to be made in payments.

We just want to hear-
"That sucks."

 Let me vent for a minute, and then tell me a joke.

That's it. Don't try and fix it. Tell me it sucks. Because it does.

And the joke calms my mind. I love to laugh.  This is on our minds most of the time, so any distraction at all to help us forget is exactly what we need.
It's called being a friend.


Seriously though the amount of people that have reached out either with kind words, or to share their stories... Thank you.

Keep it up. The positivity you all spread by your love and honesty is what keeps people like us hopeful.