Really, Where am I at?

I haven't written in awhile because I don't know if I have been sober enough at this time in a long time.  What can I say it helps me sleep.  That's all I want.

But anyways, enough of my debacles of debachery.  A lot has happened since I last recorded events of my life....it's interesting to me for the most part.

I started a ballin job that I love.  I work with basically a bunch of people I went to high school with and now it's like an adventure every day.  I can do what I love and have an adventure..let's go!

I was seeing someone and it was going really great, so naturally it failed miserably, which I should have seen coming, but what can I say.... I try to obtain the unobtainable ::shrugs shoulders::

You guys...I actually made girlfriends..that like me... it's so weird. I mean I love it, but it's the first time where I would actually consider peeing in the same stall as someone.
I mean I am not going to do that because it's still weird but I would consider it.. which is a huge feat.

My family is growing. My older sister had a munchkin.  A real life small person. Leon.  He is so cool.  I thought I was going to be selfishly sad when she had him but I really haven't.. Not for one second did I feel sadness.

I think that's the biggest feat I have defeated thus far through this transition.
I realized that maybe it's really not for me.. at least any time soon. And I am so overjoyed that I am finally okay with that.

Kids might not ever be in the cards for me and I am liberated by the idea of me being completely okay with that.

My brother is getting married to the best girl ever. I couldn't be more excited, I just have to promise to not drink too much at this one.

The only big issue I have had has been health insurance.  I have been off and I need to go to the doctor. I haven't had my trigger point injections in a few month so the pain has gotten unreal.  There has been days of utter agony and discontent, but I must continue to push forward.
There are woman out there who have been through worse and I can get passed this.

I just have to remain strong.  It helps that my support has been unreal.  My best friend Krystina has been my guardian angel and saving grace.  Being able to have someone who understands and has been through that pain and can have your back in a moment of need is unrivaled.

 I could never imagine my life being where it is now.  Which is why I will never say I know who I am.  I have a slow-played process of configuring how my mind works, but it's a never-ending process.  I am a total different person than I am last year and can only assume I will be different next year from who I am now.

If I am the same person, then I am living my life wrong.  I cannot have that.
There is a plan.  I just must figure it out.  But I have plenty of time.
I hope.

Comparing thee to a rose? I sure hope not.

Well...

Let's start of where this came about and, then I'll kind of run you through my thoughts here.

So the other night I was out with some friends.  I gave a group of future babes a ride home.  I say future babes because I am older than them which wasn't a huge deal other than I wish I could be them because they were hammered, and I was being responsible and feeling generous

 and anyways..

On the way to there destination, this girl says...

"Oh my God David (I really don't remember what his name was because it's not relevant so we will just say David) texted me and he totally thinks I have gotten way more attractive from the last time we dated. He was the best sex of my life, but he is totally a terrible person  Like what should I say."

Before anyone else could answer I immediately said..." say nothing."

She said, "what do you mean?"

I told her,
"You say absolutely nothing.  And here is why.  Do you value yourself as a person? What made him a terrible person? His response clearly makes him realize he has you, always has, and will continue to treat you that way.  Do you want that?"

She replies, "well no...."

I, then, say, "We accept the love we think we deserve.  If you let people treat you that way they will always treat you that way because you allow it.  Don't put up with it.  Someone in this world will value you as the person you are.  We all make sacrifices to chose love, but it depends on the sacrifice.  Sacrificing leaving your tooth brush in the tooth brush holder over the sink... that's a sacrifice you should make,  not sacrificing your quirkiness or your ability to care."

She began to tell me how when she grows up she wants to be me, which is absurd, but she was drunk texting her ex boyfriend, so that's where we were at.

I dropped them off left, thinking maybe I should be an Uber driver, and then thinking...

In majority of my past ...I was that drunk girl in my car.  Letting people decide what my value was.

I wasn't better than her...I was preaching to the whole gospel choir.

She was comparing this bro to a rose.

The premise of a rose is beautiful, gentle, fragile, slowly unfolding... blah blah blah.  When I should have seen that beauty is the petals.. a rose sucks.
It's pretty and that's about it.
It has atrocious thorns, and it takes over a whole garden, if not pruned.
A rose can be beautiful but if that's all you want; be a rose.

There will always be someone prettier.
There will always be someone funnier.
There will always be someone better at other things than you are.
There will always be someone nicer than you.
There will always be something.

The trick here is that when you are with someone and they realize there will never be another person that is you.
That is the goal of a relationship.  All things a side they pick you.

I'd rather be someones Gerbera Daisy than a rose anyways.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Happy (?) Infertility Awareness Week.

Is that disheartening? I am allowed to say that?  It doesn't feel like a happy time, but it also doesn't feel like a complete sad time either? 

1 in 8 right... 

This is a week that we talk about the problems some of us face.  

or we just don't talk about it in fear of judgment.

I didn't even know this week existed until it directly affected me.

And most days I don't let it.
I am a normal person just like everyone else.

It really does depend on your outlook on the word. Infertile.

I guess, it is one of those things that you should know about.
It could be happening to you and you need to know what to expect.

It's kind of a scary thing.

It's been myself fighting my own view of life.  I was supposed to get married, get a good job, and have a beautiful family.
And that all equals happiness.

I felt I needed to find someone who would kind of love me, and our family would make us whole.  I felt my fertility clock running out and my eggs drying up as the years went by.

I never thought it would happen to me.
I never thought I would have to go through this. 

Especially alone.

Finding out my tubes were blocked was a gift in the strangest form.

A gift telling me life isn't always the perfect idea you created in your mind in the 4th grade.  Everyone has different things they deal with, no infertility story is better or worse.

It makes us human.  It shows us that life is exactly what it is supposed to be.
A rollercoaster.

You can either throw in the towel, marry the first guy who shows you attention, and give up
Or you can realize that when shit hits the fan, it's going to be okay.

I had to get to know myself. You can't begin to heal through this until you find out who you are.  And that might be the scariest thing you can do.  Because what if you don't like that person.  You are stuck with you.

I still don't know if I will have a family, or if I am willing to put my fake future husband through IVF.

But I think out of all the people that this could have happened to.. I am glad it happened to me.
I am glad only for the fact that I can handle it.

I will never throw the towel and give up.
My life is exactly what I allow it to be.

But for those going through the years of trying with your husband, or have a freak situation like mine.
You aren't alone.
It's okay to ask for help.
It's okay to ask questions.

This is a real thing, and it does happen.

I didn't ask the right questions in the beginning because I thought that this impotence made me less of a woman.

It doesn't. I know that now.  It makes me more of one, a warrior, a fighter, an unstoppable being.

Some days are better than others.  Some days feel I have been defeated.

But the brilliant thing about this infertility war we are fighting  is that some battles don't have to be won in order to win the war.

We are human.  We do feel sadness, and a loss of something we never even had. 
But, that's okay because we were the strong ones that can handle it.

Like a beginning intro to Law and Order, we are an elite squad known as the Infertile ones.

And that's okay.
Don't be afraid because our plan may me different but it is ours.

The Ex Files: Part Three: Brew

This might actually be the hardest one to write.

I met him right before my 20th birthday.  He had just moved next door to my boyfriend at the time.
My first impression was: fun, cute, and a mess.

He had become my best friend, and I can honestly say I had no romantic feelings for him in the beginning.   Thinking back at it now this might be gross to say but, I viewed him like a big brother. 

He and I would stay up late at night drinking and laughing and talking.  The night we truly became best friends, he and I were up still after everyone else had gone to bed and we were dancing to
I Get Around by the Beach Boys in his kitchen.  We were laughing and yelling the words as he spun me around the kitchen. 
 
The first time I saw him naked was under the worst conditions.
We were playing my boyfriend at the time and our best friend in a game of beer pong. 
We were completely shut out.
We had to streak.
It was snowing.
We had to get naked run next door touch the door together, high-five, and run back.
I had never been streaking before. 
He took his clothes off like he was in the NBA. It was the most impressive swift movements I had ever seen.  
He had taken off before I had removed my first layer of pants to reveal my long-johns.

He was laughing.
This contagious laugh that makes everyone laugh.
The only things he said to me was nice tattoo...
 -----
We remained just friends until one night.
Tuesdays Gone came on and he disappeared. 
I went to go check on him and he was hiding his tears.
He has just lost his grandmother and was very upset, so I grabbed him and hugged him.

And that's when he kissed me and told me he loved me.

That's when everything changed.

My boyfriend and I broke up at the time, and I told him I was in love with someone else.

Then I got back together with the boyfriend a week later.
 It was a gigantic mess to say the least.

I loved them both for two different reasons.

It forever ruined that friendship.

We did end up dating for over a year, a year and a half later.
 
We moved in together and we had so many wonderful beautiful times together.

My favorite time was when he gave me a birth"week". 
For 7 days he did the sweetest things for me. 
The first night I will never forget. 
We use to go sit on the roof at our home, and that night, he took me up to the part where you can actually lay down and we drank a few beers and we laid out under the stars together.  It was simple but, sweet.  Which was his style.

But we couldn't get past me leaving him to be back with my ex the first time.
I started to depend on him too much.  I became bothersome and annoying.

I let my insecurities come back out, which killed us again.

We, too, grew apart.  I started letting myself get too comfortable and more of a burden.
And he really hated my bobby pins all over our house. 

Him and I might never be friends again.  I miss that the most though.  He was my best friend.
I wish him all the happiness in the world.  He is such a kind person, caring, loving, and I just want him to be happy. 

My past relationships have shaped me into who I am today.  In the past I have been sad about them but I am no longer sad about those past relationships because they happened and they were real and I know they loved me too. 
And they know they did.

Nothing will take away what me and any of my previous boyfriends have been through together.

I love all three of those men to this day.  All for different reasons. They helped me get through my darkest times whether they realize it or not, and have helped shape me into the strong, independent, goal-oriented beautiful person I am today.

And for that I will love them until I die. 

Whiskey on a Patio

There is no real reason for my title to be Whiskey on a Patio, other than the fact that I am drinking whiskey on a patio.  It's such a beautiful evening and I couldn't help but, want to sit out here and write.

I am on what the youngsters call "Spring Break",  I have never really participated in Spring Break, other than when I was in High School on our Senior trip, where we were kicked out of the town of Gore, and told to never return from the sheriff. 


I did have a little too much fun this weekend with my weekend warrior mentality.  Saturday was a little different because I got to participate in the social activities of a Baby Shower.


One of my dear BudGirls had a baby shower.  Yes, for those who do not know, I was a Bud Light promotional girl.  Which this job pretty much entailed my friends and I getting into all of the best places, meeting famous people, drinking, and handing out free things.  It was very hard work; there were nights when I didn't even want to drink.  But I pushed through for the good-of-the-job. 


Continuing on, while I was finding out I was incapable of having children, my two best friends found out they were pregnant.  The timing almost felt too cruel to be unintentional.   


I love these two girls more than anything, but I had never felt so alone with the idea of my two best friends are now pregnant, and I was left out of the pact.


Not that they made a pregnancy pact, but I have heard about those and they are pretty common, and oh, so strange.


The shower was lovely, someone even brought a live baby for entertainment, but I found myself sitting in the corner, shoveling my body-weight in cold-cut pinwheels down my throat and drinking the alcoholic punch.  I was swimming in sea of pregnant woman, and even 'drinking the water' wouldn't change my fate.


It sure is sounding like a Pregnancy Pact, now.


I spoke a few times with what could be taken as inappropriate comments.  One, of course, asking about birthing techniques.  I am more of a visual learner. 
The patrons were less than pleased with my vaginal birthing hand motions. 


Whenever I feel awkward I say the wrong things, and do the wrong things.
Lucky for me, I didn't make any dead baby jokes, or joke about playing football with the baby as the ball.


Something is very wrong with me.


We did go out to take a picture of my two favorite preggers and I together, and one had asked about my surgery. 
Suddenly everyone got quiet, and I try to light-heartedly tell my impotence of being a woman, with a smile on my face.
It all was seemingly creepy, and forced happiness. 


I love being a part of these monumental times in my friends lives, but it does something to you, where you want to go home and drown your sorrows in a bottle of your finest Pinot Noir.  


Luckily, I do have my 3 week post-operation appointment tomorrow.  I am enlivened because, I am anticipating to get cleared to go back to work. 


I feel more complete when I feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my time. 
I just feel useless and broke.


I just want to get ahead. 
I want to do something crazy. 
I want to live for the story instead of continuously writing the same bullshit over and over again.


When the hell do you get over it?  When does it stop haunting you?
I sound like a broken record.


I am annoyed by my own self.  I have to find my adventure and go. 


Forget all this ever even happened.

Fauxgasm: Faking It

Little Baby Update: Pun intended,  It has been officially two weeks since the expulsion of my fallopian tubes. 
Naturally, I have some major discomfort from the actual incision, but the never-ending pain that I was experiencing since late September is absent.
I never thought I would feel better.

It makes all those sleepless nights on the brink of death, worth it.

The sleeping has definitely gotten worse, but right now, I am content with life.

 I even tore it up a little this weekend.  Don't be alarmed, no pills were involved.

My relationship status is still nonexistent due to multiple factor.
I will say it has most to deal with my inability to put up with nonsense, but that is neither here nor there. 
And also, realizing that my options are more than limited due to the factor that I am not looking for a licentious relationship. 

I, also, believe timing is a factor.

The point that I am in my life is that I would like to travel the world with my own personal Casanova, that seduces me with intellect, creativity, and passion rather than with his baby-making banana bazooka. 

That every trip we take together will be named, like a hurricane or a child, so that when we look back, and reminisce on life, we can smile and say, "Remember Larry?"
How could I forget.

I know he exists; I'm sure he is just 1,328 miles away.

Just a little patience and things will all fall into place.

I am facing a lot right now, which is helping occupy my time.
Two months until I graduate and then, I can begin to pull-out my eyelashes due to a stress-filled panic to starting "real life".
I have tried to stay in college as long as possible because the thought of growing up is the most terrifying thing I could think of.
Well that, and dying alone.
 I'm not exactly out of the woods yet on either, so you can see my predicament.

But I feel like no one is really prepared for anything, or has it together; they are just good at faking it until they make it. 

We are all kind of just stumbling around wondering if we are going to make it out alive this week.

I have to start preparing for what feels like the beginning of a new chapter, and then perhaps I will find some clarity in my disheartening thoughts.

Yet, I am having a case of writers-block and, I have no idea how to even begin to write my next portion in my sci-fi romantic novel.

I can only assume that my next chapter is filled with unicorns, and happy-endings due to my anticlimactic storyline thus far.

I feel the need for adventure.
Due to all of my "medical bullshit", I have really decided that my 20's have been the worst era for myself.  I just need to grow a pair and start saying yes to life, rather than being scared of a risk.

I told my mother the other day that I couldn't really see myself getting old.  Not in the aspects of like being an older person, but in living that long.  I have always had some eerie suspicion that I won't live to be a grandparent.  Which, I guess, could be true because I would have to be able to have children in order for them to have children.

I guess, my sub-conscious has a sick way of making my suspicions more of a livable reality, rather than a capital punishment.

I know that all sounds super morbid, but I have a feeling that, that could be more of an unspeakable common-thought rather than, a far-fetched notion.  

I have remained extremely positive though, at least in my opinion, which is also the only one in this situation that really matters.

I just have to continue to remind myself of the 5 most important things:

1.  I am a champion.  In all senses of the word. I have overcome a lot and, I am not letting a single thing stand in my way, nor despair me.

2. I am a beautiful person.  Not because of my exterior shell, but because my heart is good.  I genuinely care, despite whether a person is "deserving" or not because, in my eyes, everyone is deserving. 

3.  I am valuable.  It has taken me a long time to understand my self-worth. But now, I know what I am capable of .  I know what I can offer, and that is half of the battle.

4.  I am smart.  I have never made the grades, but because I had this preconceived notion that I was in a competition of my siblings.  I am not in a competition with them; I am in a competition with the person I was a year ago.  And, I am sure as hell surpassing every expectation of myself that I had.  I am very knowledgeable in the strangest ways, but that's what leads me to my final point.

5. I am not like anyone else.  Everyone in this world is like a finger print.  We have similarities.  But we are all different.  I have so much to offer, but so do you.  No person in this world is better than anyone else.
I am so strange, but that's the best part about me.

As long as I remind myself of these things, I am going to eventually believe them and that's the best thing about the mind.
If you truly believe it; that makes it true.
Right?

T-Minus 4 Days Until The Extraction

I am not going to lie.


I have started to seriously panic about this whole surgery ordeal.



It helps, that I am moderately hung over today, which means I slept like a baby last night.




What doesn't help is that I think I had a conversation with someone last night, and I don't remember if it actually happened.

If it did happen..I think I might have either some explaining to do..

or....act like it never happened.



The disadvantages of having realistic dreams.



I think I am going to go with option 2.



Well I am just in this point  now that I am worried about my body image, the healing process, and how many things that I am going to be missing out on, or things that will completely disappear from my life because of this.



By that I mean, humans, obviously.



I am doing this 5-Miles a day thing before I can't work out anymore.
I am hoping that it will make me so fit that, I will be distracted from the giant smiley-face stitching on my stomach.
I have been discussing getting a tattoo put over top of the gnarly scar such as a life like depiction of my mom peeking over my panty-line to fend off intruders.




I am a little worried about school, more so than usual.
I know it's only a week out, but being as anal-retentive about trivial things as I am....We are lucky if I don't try to do school work as soon as I wake up in the hospital.
I hope every one in my groups are ready for me to blow.their.shit.up.




If I am not smart or don't get that proving piece of paper, then what else am I?

I am not a super model.
I am instrumentally-challenged.
I am a terrible public speaker.
I am dyslexic.



I need that piece of paper, yo.


I did my acceptance to graduation letter.

They did let me know that I better keep my GPA up or I'm out...In BRIGHT RED letters.  Thanks Graduation office.  Thanks for reminding me that I use to do really shitty in school.



Now I just have to say focused on the good things, like being able to draw, and having olive skin in the dead of winter.  Not the negative things like losing my awesome butt, and potentially having to get a tattoo of my mom peeking over my panty-line.


At least I'll never be on Maury for finding out who my baby's daddy is. 


See, things are already looking up.

Can I love Something Other Than Myself.

So I have always wondered if I wanted children.

The idea of like sticky children walking around crying and yelling and destroying things.  It really freaks me out. Like why are they always that sticky. 

I was a nanny once and I realized I could not handle having 3 children.  I would end up drinking as much as their stay-at-home mom did. 

Don't worry I think they had an intervention for her and she is in rehab...

I have always seen myself, even a few years ago, adopting children.  At least one.  

I'm not sure why I just have.

I know what I am about to say is not the same thing at all; I get it. 

You don't have to tell me.
But May 25th of 2014, the greatest joy I have ever known was born.  Lane.
My girlfriend from Tulsa posted these pictures of this little baby thing, and I knew I had to have her.  

I was out drinking every night, and I was definitely in the craziest point in my life.
I had like blonde hair, bleach blonde hair.  And going through the worst break up of my life.

I am doing good now, but I was pretty psycho for a cool minute, not like burn our old place down psycho, but like raging alcoholic psycho. And I cut all my hair off.  It's fine. 

Anyways, I contacted my girlfriend from Tulsa, and told her that I had to have her.  

Baby Lane 

So she was mine.  I changed a lot because of her.  I had to like step up and not go out anymore and take care of my girl.  I wanted to like call her and check on her.  My parents were helpful when I had to work and stuff, but dude she was super cool.

I like her.

In a sense, she saved me.  I was on a path of destruction and she saved my liver from more scarring that I already have.

(That's a fact; my liver has scarring....That's a whole other story) 

But my point of this is that I didn't think, or know if I could love something like it was mine when I didn't have it. 

If that makes sense. 

But I could.  

I love her like she came from my loins. 

Yeah.. Loins. 

She sleeps with me every night. We hang out.  She barks when she hears something, so naturally I always feel safe.  I mean she isn't going to protect me because she is terrified, but I will get a pre-warning to, like, get strapped before things are about to pop off. 

I definitely think adoption is like a top consideration, if I decide to have children. 

Big Lane and Mommy. 

Or I'll just have 37 dogs.

Both are very plausible.

Graphic In Nature

I had a very long talk last night with a good friend of mine.  She is going through something so different, yet we can relate so much.


My friend's pelvic floor is completely destroyed due to a form of birth control.  She has endured 3 surgeries in 3 years for 3 different issues involving her reproductive system.  Doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have a full Hysterectomy by the age of 28 due to pain of your pelvic floor, then it becomes a big deal.


Hysterectomy (if you want it in my terms, is the whole thing gone: egg holder, baby holder, and the Bering Strait; all gone) is the real deal. 
You can't go back. But, she had to do this. 

We had a long talk about relationships, our goals, and our struggles.

I felt for her.  She has never wanted to have children so the news of not being able to have one was not as heart-breaking as it would be to some. 
She just wants to be a normal person again.

 See with these surgeries, when you have problems in the "south-pole", they are never really a one-and-done kind of thing. 

When one problem occurs lots of problems could happen, and it can take awhile before you can return to doing the things you love, or even normal activities.

The thing that makes us as woman is in complete jeopardy.

Being as young as we are it makes the whole becoming a woman thing kind of a running joke.

I only had my period for half of my life before it decided to retire. 

People do tell me all the time how lucky I am to not have a period.
Brah...I'll trade you.

I started this blog because of this. 

There are so, so, so many women going through these problems.  They are not just painful on the person itself, but the spirit.

I have been searching for a peer-led support group to help with this because hearing her story (and many of the stories I have heard from people reading my blog) have not only helped her or you by telling it, but it has helped me.  But most groups are for those who have experienced miscarriages, and those who are dealing with infertility with a partner.

I mean, I have no problem showing up alone, but that's what it feels like...being alone.

Family is cool, and friends are great, but if you tell me to adopt or there are other options; I am going to punch you in the face.
You think we don't know that. 
We know the cost.
We know most of the options.

But we are living in a society where women that should have children are on their third or fourth, and I am praying for a miracle, or hoping that maybe 40,000 dollars for adoption will be able to be made in payments.

We just want to hear-
"That sucks."

 Let me vent for a minute, and then tell me a joke.

That's it. Don't try and fix it. Tell me it sucks. Because it does.

And the joke calms my mind. I love to laugh.  This is on our minds most of the time, so any distraction at all to help us forget is exactly what we need.
It's called being a friend.


Seriously though the amount of people that have reached out either with kind words, or to share their stories... Thank you.

Keep it up. The positivity you all spread by your love and honesty is what keeps people like us hopeful.

Fueling Blank Faces

This weekend was a very interesting one.
Well I think it was interesting.. But I, also, watched the 1962 version of To Kill a Mockingbird on Friday, as well as, Pride and Prejudice, and Dear Zachary.
Some pretty "lit" night as the cool kids would say.


I couldn't sleep to save my life, which is the opposite of what those "nerve pain" pills were suppose to help with. 
When I finally did fall asleep, I had a dream that my teeth were getting pried out tooth by tooth, and I could feel the hole where they once were.  I could feel the pain of  each tooth getting ripped out of my mouth.  I could feel the blood coming out of my mouth, on to my tied down hands.  I was wearing a white shirt, my hair was pulled back in my typical pony, and I was tied to a black chair; it was wooden. 
I could see my teeth on the table.  They looked like sea barnacles, and coral. 


It felt so real.  I woke up 3 hours later of what seemed like a life time of pain and torture.
"Is this a side effect of the medicine that is supposed to be helping me?"


Hell yeah it was.
I did a little research on these pills the doctors have me on for my chronic nerve pain. 
This medicine is not just for nerve pain, but it's used to treat depression.  It is also used to treat PTSD.
I have no depression issues, and I do not suffer from PTSD.
The side effects include:
blurred vision
change in sexual desire, or ability
constipation
diarrhea
dizziness
drowsiness
dry mouth
trouble sleeping
weakness
headaches
loss of appetite
nausea
tiredness
involuntary or uncontrollable movements (this side effect happens in over 60 percent of patients and is likely to be permanent): in the tongue, face, mouth, jaw, legs, and arms
eye problems (high risk)
chest pain
confusion
dark urine
difficulty speaking, or swallowing
hallucinations
night terrors
fainting
numbness
problems sitting still
panic attacks
unusual or severe mood changes
seizures
slurred speech
aggressiveness
impulsiveness


 There are a few more, but I think you get the picture.
I understand they have to account for every single side effect that could happen or has happened to any person ever taking this medication ever.
But to risk of all of this to help the nerves in my stomach so I don't vomit?
These are the potential side effects.  I have been taking it for 4 days and the mood swings are very real, the night terrors are real, the headaches, the problems sitting still, the tiredness, and the nausea, the loss of appetite ... all very real.
The drawbacks of this medication outweighs significantly the pros of it.
They told me to give it a month.


I stopped today.
As soon as I read change in sexual desire and ability, I knew it was time to throw in the towel. I am already having all the problems in the world with that, no need to Clam Jam myself more than necessary.


I will call tomorrow, but they are just looking for a solution rather than understanding the problem.  How can a medicine that is suppose to help cause that many problems. 
I have felt less like myself a more like a stranger to my own body.


I listened to my body and it told me to stop.
I'd rather feel all the pain in the world than ever lose myself.

Where They At Though?

Something has been really been on my mind lately.


Let's back it up for a second..
So little information about me is I am a brat.  A military one. We moved around constantly.  The only consistent people in my life have been my family.  I lucked out with them because they are awesome.
That being said we moved here the year I turned 16.  


I was not a good kid.  I did awful things. I made terrible decisions.  I was young and rebellious.  I have since grown-up, but I ruined a lot of relationships the first few years here. 
Which has led me to now.


I have a lot of playground friends. Those are people I can call up a couple, grab a few brewskis with, and tear up the evening.


This has changed quite a bit since I've become "sick".
I don't feel well most of the time, so smashing 1942 isn't on the top of my list. 


I have to really not feeling well to turn down my boo, Senor Julio.


When you can't play, what's the point of being around you?


I mean.. I know you are like, "Kelsey that's so silly. People hang out with you all the time. You have like 3,000 Facebook friends. 324 likes on a picture.  You are so funny, and fun."


You are right.  I am a lot of fun. I am extremely inappropriate. I like to people watch.  I am actually kind of an asshole, but in a very douche-y, sweet way.  I am salty, and sweet; the perfect combination.
But, I have gone my whole life being a Weekend Warrior, even a Tuesday Warrior.
I don't discriminate against the day of the week.


Why would I start attracting people now who don't go out.  That's not my style. 


Friendships are so weird; you, like, find a person that you get along with for longer than 15 minutes, you do stuff together, and then you like talk to them when you aren't together, but you don't want to sleep together.  If you do, you violate the friendship and someone gets upset.
Friend-zone is so important if you don't want to completely ruin the chances of staying "just friends".
That's why They call me BK aka Boner Killer. I am very good at friend-zoning guys.

I have trouble holding on to women relationships.  I am not sure why.
Me, I don't like using the bathroom at the same time. It's weird. I don't understand it. Why do we have to go in there together. I am actually kind of pee-shy.
I don't like going on and on about boys.  I mean they are cool, but if I like him; I'll tell him.  If he is making me mad; he will know. We don't have to talk about it.
 
I did have an amazing friendship once with a girl. I miss her a lot.


I just don't understand how to make them now. I don't understand how to walk up to another human being at this point and say, "Hey, I want you to come over to my house and watch 100 episodes of Law and Order: SVU with me because I don't ever feel well."
Good Luck on a Friday night.


A lot of people I like, that are woman, have children.  It's hard to not feel upset, when it's not something we have in common, or that I can share with them.  I am so happy for them, but I can't help but feel envious.  Maybe that's why I have a tough time with it.  Maybe, it's hard for me because I don't feel like a complete woman.


Does one ever get over that?