Sunday, May 22, 2016

Life As I See It

It has been a month since I have written.

My brain and my life have been in complete auto-pilot since the "awarding" of  my degree.

I say "awarding" because I did not walk, and I have not received my fabulous piece of paper yet that pertains to any form of commitment.

With facing all that adversity and hardship of my academic career, I figured that the accomplishment of a degree would have been, only of what I could have presumed to be trumpets sounding and angels descending, yet it was nothing of the sort.

At this point it feels like I am in this weird life to job purgatory.
Caught in the middle of being given a chance, and taking a risk.

They never told you how hard it would be.

But I am remaining positive and hoping for the best.

Once I stop showering all together; that's when we should be concerned.

My health has been pretty consistent minus the night-time stomach cramps that leave my body in peril.  I take enough  sleeping medication to knock out a medium-size kangaroo, and I can only assume that is the best route to take for the time being.  Or at least until the latest round of medical bills have been completely paid off, and I can then seek medical counsel.

I am finally healthy enough to leave the nest.  I am finally becoming a real-life adult at 25.  I like to joke with my mother and tell her that I am never leaving, but it is time for Lane and I to live away from the security.

 I just have worries that my health may not stay in good shape and that I will revert back.

I can not live in fear, so I must go.

I worry far too often about the future.  I need a plan.  Without a plan my life feels at a stand still.


My scar fear did come true.
That thing is permanent and prominent.
I hate it so much.

And it hurts.

It's so strange.  It has a burning feeling every once in a while.

I am like a c-section Harry Potter.

I wonder who my Voldemort is.

All I know is this person has to go.


I did want to mention these.... interesting occurrences.

I saw this new trend of  husbands and wives making a "Go Fund Me" account for IVF.

Personally, I kind of felt a sense of bitterness towards it.
I mean, it is a very expensive procedure, I understand that.
And I understand that most people who have the ability to have children shouldn't, and the ones that can't should.

But I just couldn't help but feel a sense of distaste.

Everyone does things different, I guess.

But personally, I could never ask someone to help me pay to have a baby.

Strangers donating money so maybe I could have a child, that I could potentially screw up because who knows if I could be a good parent.

It seemed so odd to ask for money for that, like buying a pair of boobs, or funding a trip to Asia.

Maybe, if a family member wanted to help, maybe.

But having a baby isn't a need,  it is a want. 

I might be completely out of line, and maybe I am just being too critical.

But 1 in 8 people deal with some kind of form of should we all make a Go Fund Me for the next surgery, or the next shot, or the next appointment, or my potential "Mommy Tuck" because the last surgery screwed up my body.