I feel fucking crazy. That's a fact.
Things were getting worse, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the lack of sleep and patience. I am tired.
But I've been tired.
I really didn't think I needed more help after finding out that Endometriosis was my fate. I thought I had dealt with my shit pile of cards and things are awesome and I'm going to put my every being into my career. I'm going to let fate decide my relationship status and I'm good.
then why the fuck am I so angry.
Finally I decided that I'm just not trying to be this person anymore. My emotions controlled my life. Basically I'm attempting to break up with my anger. Which He is kind of a douche bag and treats me like shit, so naturally I'm in love with him.
I decided the best way to break up with my anger was the only plausible decision which was to see a psychiatrist and get better drugs to make me less angry and sad.
Makes sense.
So ya girl calls Dr. A. She is in my network...one of the reasons I chose her and Like dude I don't know her. She can't help me if I'm not honest. So we Zoom meet which is like the 2020 skype.
And I send her all 45 pages of how I am feeling which like one question was
"list your traumatic experiences"
And let me tell you nothing gives you PTSD like writing out every single thing you bury so deep to forget but you know that you need to tell her or the anger and sadness doesn't stop.
So you tell her.
We are talking via Zoom because of the Rona and She asks me more questions like my fucking novel that I sent her wasn't sufficient enough to make a diagnosis.
And Dr. A blurts out the most obscene shit I've ever heard.
"Kelsey you are bipolar"
At first I was like excuse me B word you are bipolar... I 1000% thought she was being rude and then I had to remember she is a psychiatrist and like those words actually mean something here.
What.. Bipolar. I'm not bipolar. There is no way I am bipolar. I am not crazy. I don't have anything wrong with me. I have been just fine. I don't need this.
bipolar: extreme highs and extreme lows.
fuck I'm bipolar.
She starts listing all the medicines I need to start taking. I keep it together as she tells me she is calling in my prescriptions.
We hang up and I'm sitting there with myself. I am bipolar. It felt like a bomb had dropped on me.
I always thought everyone felt the way that I do about things.
Realizing you are different hurts. You aren't like everyone else. Your brain isn't right. My brain isn't right.
I have been on these happy pills for 3 weeks now. So Strange.
My first move was to realize there was something not right and make a change.
There is nothing wrong with being bipolar, I am still me. I haven't lost myself. But there are more good days than bad.
It's okay.
My brain isn't right, but it's okay.
