I have been honestly debating back and forth on writing about this, but honestly...
this was the whole point of this...right? The vulnerability... the honesty.. the actual journey.
I never thought I would get this far to be fair.
Well we pulled the trigger so to speak, and decided to do this damn thing. I am not getting any younger and is there ever really the right time to have a baby.
I could make 100 excuses of why I am not ready. But I think the only reason I wouldn't really be ready to do this is the fear that my body would once again let me down and would prove my inadequacy to be abundantly clear to God and everyone.
But screw it, right?
Well I have started my journey with a fertility center here in Colorado. They did this amazing thing here where they have actually made it somewhat affordable.
I went in for my Baseline at the end of July after our phone consultation, where this guy was like Hey you guys are ideal candidates, which I think really just meant that we could relatively afford it.
The baselines were just hella blood being drawn to see what I needed to start taking or stop taking to get this vessel to start vesseling?
Guess what mother truckers... I was really worried at 32 that I would not have enough stock or eggies left to do this without worrying and homies... she be fertile as a mother.. literally. Which is awesome and my hubs swimmers be swimming, so to speak. So that is amazing news.
I had to go in for a test called a Hysterosonogram.. aka the Balloon Test aka how many things can we fit IN there..
Yes IN.
So its a saline ultrasound. The first put in the speculum, and for all my none ladies reading this that means that cold metal pliers looking device to prop your girl open, and then they put in "a very thin catheter" and if you have been following my story you know my hate/hate relationship with catheters... like no one wants that. And THEN they pump in saline into the uterine cavity AND THEN they, also, put in the ultrasound probe.. or the vaginal wand or whatever you want to refer to it as to see if there are like any abnormalities such as polyps or really anything that could prevent the embryo from implanting in the uterus.
I know I basically sound like a doctor. It's crazy, right?
But if you read back on that.. that's too many things going on in there. Almost got caught up and thought my situation was Mary Poppins' bag, huh? #metoo Ooo is that an umbrella.. and a watch.. and oh dang not a Land Rover... all of it.
Well during the test natch I am extremely uncomfortable.. too many things in there and I am not on Porn Hub, and I am not getting paid for this.. I am paying them to torture me. BUT anyways, after they put Niagara Falls in there and remove the catheter they should be able to see what's going on in there to make sure is just the best looking Ut out there and low and behold as soon as they removed the catheter my Uterus closed up like a venus fly trap.. couldn't see a damn thing. Well reported by the very nice tech she said that there might be a polyp, which we will have to surgically remove... stop it.. I can't.
I am hoping it doesn't prolong the process, but it might. We will have to wait and see until we go in for the egg retrieval, which I will already be put under for. I am not stressed... I am, also, lying.
I did get all of my meds in which is probably the most aggressive amount of shit I have ever seen in my entire life. I believe it ends up being around 90 doses of medicine in roughly 5 days and majority of them are shots. You know I just love me some needles.
I will start my injections when I start my cycle.. which should literally be any day now.. if I stop stressing out. Which.. I mean calm? me? ever? Literally no.
It is a lot. and I mean A LOT. And I have been looking up stats which is like Googling your symptoms...never good. 30%...
Do you realize 30% is like what you get on your SAT if you put your name on the exam.. You don't even have to really try anything to get a 30% on anything..
But shit... I mean I have come this far.. and 30% is better than 0% right?
I don't even know anymore. I have been praying so much and so hard and have to remember to be patient and remain positive regardless of the storm we are weathering.
I really am just scared. Very scared. I want to feel deserving, I want to feel confident, I want to feel hopeful and excited. And I am just so nervous for the shoe to drop and to be devastated. I am petrified to be excited.
So I will be waiting for my period to start and in the mean time watch videos of people giving themselves shots subcutaneously.
Holler.
