I figured it was about time to start writing again. I have had a lot of things to work through since I last spoke and a lot has changed. Priorities have changed, life has changed, and time never stops.
And the journey never ends. I have still been battling with endometriosis, and the surgeries and management of the disease never ends. But things have been a lot better since my last surgery in December of 2021. The surgery ending up being robotics and it rid me of a lot of excess scarring which was definitely an issue when it came to pain.
I still have pain, which I know will never fade, but I have been trying to live a better/healthier lifestyle to combat some of the influences I have control over.
Don't get me wrong.. I will still have the occasional drink, but the wilding out (Nick Cannon voice) has died down significantly.
Honestly, its probably because I am 32 (I am pretty sure) now and hangovers last an entire moon cycle, and I really don't have the time or capacity for that anymore.
But small catch up: I am married now.. Yes it's true (I can't believe it either), I tricked him so hard and now he is stuck with me. Until death do us part dawg. And if I die before him and he thinks I want him to "move on"... he has another thing coming... if I am dying guest what mothereffer you are getting in with me and we can go together... I will haunt the shit out of him.
Honestly, what is really wild is before I met my angel, the man that saved my life.. I was planning on having a full hysterotomy.
No shit, I had it all planned out. I was going to do it in October, and we met in August. I was determined to snip snap, until I met him.
I looked in his eyes and I knew that's going to be my baby daddy. So I decided to spontaneously keep it all up in there in hopes I could make him fall in love with me and eventually knock me up with some shots and a petri dish.
So we got married, we moved away to a new state, and I am out of the service industry and I have flipped my life all the way into a pretzel.
I would probably be freaking out if I didn't have him.
Now the mental is a thing... I know this has been my story of infertility and that's a huge portion of who I am because of the trials and tribulations I have faced dealing with this imperfect being that is human.
But my mental.. jeez louise.. its been all types of what the hell.
Like scary. And I have no idea how to deal with this.
I have no idea how to handle my own brain.
It's terrifying. How am I supposed to be a mother if I am a complete psychopath who cries in the bath while listening to Paramore.
I can't even pull myself sometimes out of the dark abyss and I am expecting myself to just pop out octuplicates and be like good? I have a good support team which is rare and beautiful, and I am lucky.
Honestly, I am lucky to be alive. Life will either eat you or it won't. It's so easy to just throw in the towel and say, nope I am done with the pain, I am done with the sadness, I am done with the hurt, I am done with the tears, I am done with the sorrow.
I am just done. And that's not you.. You aren't meant to be done.
There is a plan. There is hope. There is support. It's okay to take a pill to be okay. It's okay to feel sad, but it's not okay to feel like you are nothing, because you are someone's something, whether you know it or not.
I didn't mean to go on some crazy rampage, and it's been 2 years and I am coming in soooo hot. But I will write more, I think. I might have lost my touch, because the rumors are true... if you don't use it you will lose it.
But I will have more to discuss like: the baby grant I applied for, and Colorado doing some awesome IVF advancements... like insurance... covering...part... of....IVF... okay too many surprises. But basically life is good. It's still crazy. I am still a wreck of a person, but a girl is trying to just wake up in the morning and be alive.
