Monday, April 25, 2016

National Infertility Awareness Week

Happy (?) Infertility Awareness Week.

Is that disheartening? I am allowed to say that?  It doesn't feel like a happy time, but it also doesn't feel like a complete sad time either? 

1 in 8 right... 

This is a week that we talk about the problems some of us face.  
or we just don't talk about it in fear of judgment.

I didn't even know this week existed until it directly affected me.

And most days I don't let it.
I am a normal person just like everyone else.

It really does depend on your outlook on the word. Infertile.

I guess, it is one of those things that you should know about.
It could be happening to you and you need to know what to expect.

It's kind of a scary thing.

It's been myself fighting my own view of life.  I was supposed to get married, get a good job, and have a beautiful family.
And that all equals happiness.

I felt I needed to find someone who would kind of love me, and our family would make us whole.  I felt my fertility clock running out and my eggs drying up as the years went by.

I never thought it would happen to me.
I never thought I would have to go through this. 

Especially alone.

Finding out my tubes were blocked was a gift in the strangest form.

A gift telling me life isn't always the perfect idea you created in your mind in the 4th grade.  Everyone has different things they deal with, no infertility story is better or worse.

It makes us human.  It shows us that life is exactly what it is supposed to be.
A rollercoaster.

You can either throw in the towel, marry the first guy who shows you attention, and give up
Or you can realize that when shit hits the fan, it's going to be okay.

I had to get to know myself. You can't begin to heal through this until you find out who you are.  And that might be the scariest thing you can do.  Because what if you don't like that person.  You are stuck with you.

I still don't know if I will have a family, or if I am willing to put my fake future husband through IVF.

But I think out of all the people that this could have happened to.. I am glad it happened to me.
I am glad only for the fact that I can handle it.

I will never throw the towel and give up.
My life is exactly what I allow it to be.

But for those going through the years of trying with your husband, or have a freak situation like mine.
You aren't alone.
It's okay to ask for help.
It's okay to ask questions.

This is a real thing, and it does happen.

I didn't ask the right questions in the beginning because I thought that this impotence made me less of a woman.

It doesn't. I know that now.  It makes me more of one, a warrior, a fighter, an unstoppable being.

Some days are better than others.  Some days feel I have been defeated.

But the brilliant thing about this infertility war we are fighting  is that some battles don't have to be won in order to win the war.

We are human.  We do feel sadness, and a loss of something we never even had. 
But, that's okay because we were the strong ones that can handle it.

Like a beginning intro to Law and Order, we are an elite squad known as the Infertile ones.

And that's okay.
Don't be afraid because our plan may me different but it is ours.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Yearly- Can we switch this to monthly?

I had my scheduled yearly today.
Not that we couldn't have done it the other 50 times I had been there this year.

But naturally, I had missed my beautiful gynecologist, so I didn't object.

It has been one month since my 3 week post-op appointment. 
I was afraid they forgot what my face looked like.  
They didn't.

I scheduled my appointment early because I was feeling 9:15am, a month ago.
This morning, I was not feeling it. 

I woke up at 8:30 and started rushing around because I was less than prepared for anyone to see what was under my very comfortable leopard print pajama bottoms.

I don't even understand why I wear those bottoms. They always make me sweat an uncomfortable amount when I wake up. 

Anyways, I had to dry shave my legs because I was not trying to have Dr. S think I am careless like all of the other patients she has. 
I figured it's like a jubilant surprise to see my young sporty body in comparison to the over-weight, overly hairy yetis that I have seen walk through those doors.
I'm sure they are all very lovely people.

I arrived on time because my loving father let me borrow his vehicle to take the turnpike.  I really need to invest in a pass but, I just come up with too many excuses to break down and get one.
Regardless, I made it on time.  I had to park a mile away because, I have a very tough time parking his vehicle.  It's so large and I normally drive Betty White and she is indestructible and my father can be terrifying so, I would rather keep his objects safer than mine.

Well after my mile, fast-paced walk, and an elevator ride, I made it. 
I didn't even have to sign in.

They took my weight, which I could have told them what it was.  I weigh myself every day. 126. I haven't grown.  I did go to the bathroom before I walked in which was a shame because I had to give a sample.  So I ran some water and sang, Don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and lakes you're used to I know your going to have to your way or nothing at all but I think you're moving too fast, to myself and then magic happened.

They put me back in the room with the horrible picture of a red flower, which in my opinion just looks like an angry vagina.  It makes me have really bad anxiety. Like why would you put that in there.  It's not even like a really great painting. I just don't understand why you would have a red themed room at a gynecology office.

I finally am alone to take my clothes off, all of this time. No shirt allowed. I got this paper vest that I like to wear the opening in the back.  It makes me feel sexy with an exposed back, yet not too sexy because it's a paper shirt.

Dr. S comes on in and sits on the counter and we discuss some medical stuff and then she says to me,

Kelsey, we need to talk....Your blog.  I heard.... you feel broken?  You aren't broken. Just because you don't have your tubes doesn't make you less.  You are still desirable. You will find someone who is willing to take you for all of you.  I know it is hard to do this alone but you are so strong.

I stared at her.

I started tearing up, yet doing my best to hid it.
I have, literally, trusted this woman with my life.
And she told me things that I have heard from so many people. But coming from her was something so life changing.
Maybe it's because she has seen my everything, maybe it's because she has literally cut me open and seen my insides,  maybe it's because she would call me on the weekends when I was so sick to check on me, or maybe it's a combination of everything but, she threw me through a loop.

I was speechless.

She gave me a giant hug.
I needed that hug.  I needed those words from her.

I was so caught up in my feelings that I didn't even realize I was hugging her with only a very thin sheet between her and my nakedness.  
I didn't even care. 

It's so strange how the human mind works.

 My family tells me all the time how beautiful and special I am, and mainly I never consider this because I feel, maybe, they feel an obligation to make me feel better.  And random guys tell me I am pretty but 92% of the time it is because it is their feeble attempt to see me naked.

But, Dr. S; She didn't have to say that. She didn't have to reach out. She has so many other patients, and she actually cares how I view myself.

I'll never forget that moment.

As I was leaving, I said goodbye to everyone and told them I will see them in a year.
They told me they would miss me.

And I knew I would actually miss seeing them too. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Building a Wall Out of Tire Parts and Sticky Tape: The Alff Presentation

I mentioned a long time ago that I began this blog initially for this blogging class I am currently enrolled in.

It has obviously turned into something way bigger than that but, I still mentioned it.  That did happen.

Well part of the "criteria" we have to talk about our presentation in this class and our "blog adoption".

I ended up doing this adoption over Shawn Alff,  who I am pretty sure is the only man I know that can pull-off a leopard print thong, and still be one of the sexiest people I have ever seen.

The adoption, also, gave me a reason to genuinely stalk this guy, in a way that would get me less likely to be arrested, and more likely be able to find out everything in the world about this person, minus his social security number, and his address.

I am still working on his address.

I think the girl on the right has very nice butt. 

But outside his charming demeanor and super hot bod,  he is one of the best writers I have ever seen.

I ended up writing a 2,500+ word, thoroughly thought out paper over this guy.  It's almost embarrassing, and more than moderately creepy.

He doesn't hate it though.
He did tell me, if need be,  I could write his relationship profile because, let's just say, I was selling him like I was giving away free water at Wakarusa.

I knew I was a good wingman, and an even better, twat-swat to myself.

I was going to attach the paper, which I know is going to be way too long for my blog, BUT it's, also, one of the best papers I have ever written because, Shawn actually gave me most of the material, and was the easiest subject to write about.

But it really is too long, but if you want to read it, I will send it to you, or I will come to where you are and give you the presentation.  I mean this paper is nine pages double-spaced.

I clearly have no self-control.

The powerpoint is so good, too.   Here is a picture of us.
Shawn and I

But see, also, I waited to write about him because today is his birthday and he told me that he never really has an amazing birthday, which makes me sad because I am not there to throw confetti or like make a pudding bath out of gluten-free pudding because I don't want to waste good pudding.

He's writing is not only funny but it puts on display his every fear and insecurity, which resonates with so many people.

You can read his stuff at

You won't regret it.
I surely didn't.

Monday, April 4, 2016

The Ex Files: Part Three: Brew

This might actually be the hardest one to write.

I met him right before my 20th birthday.  He had just moved next door to my boyfriend at the time.
My first impression was: fun, cute, and a mess.

He had become my best friend, and I can honestly say I had no romantic feelings for him in the beginning.   Thinking back at it now this might be gross to say but, I viewed him like a big brother. 

He and I would stay up late at night drinking and laughing and talking.  The night we truly became best friends, he and I were up still after everyone else had gone to bed and we were dancing to
I Get Around by the Beach Boys in his kitchen.  We were laughing and yelling the words as he spun me around the kitchen. 
The first time I saw him naked was under the worst conditions.
We were playing my boyfriend at the time and our best friend in a game of beer pong. 
We were completely shut out.
We had to streak.
It was snowing.
We had to get naked run next door touch the door together, high-five, and run back.
I had never been streaking before. 
He took his clothes off like he was in the NBA. It was the most impressive swift movements I had ever seen.  
He had taken off before I had removed my first layer of pants to reveal my long-johns.

He was laughing.
This contagious laugh that makes everyone laugh.
The only things he said to me was nice tattoo...
We remained just friends until one night.
Tuesdays Gone came on and he disappeared. 
I went to go check on him and he was hiding his tears.
He has just lost his grandmother and was very upset, so I grabbed him and hugged him.

And that's when he kissed me and told me he loved me.

That's when everything changed.

My boyfriend and I broke up at the time, and I told him I was in love with someone else.

Then I got back together with the boyfriend a week later.
 It was a gigantic mess to say the least.

I loved them both for two different reasons.

It forever ruined that friendship.

We did end up dating for over a year, a year and a half later.
We moved in together and we had so many wonderful beautiful times together.

My favorite time was when he gave me a birth"week". 
For 7 days he did the sweetest things for me. 
The first night I will never forget. 
We use to go sit on the roof at our home, and that night, he took me up to the part where you can actually lay down and we drank a few beers and we laid out under the stars together.  It was simple but, sweet.  Which was his style.

But we couldn't get past me leaving him to be back with my ex the first time.
I started to depend on him too much.  I became bothersome and annoying.

I let my insecurities come back out, which killed us again.

We, too, grew apart.  I started letting myself get too comfortable and more of a burden.
And he really hated my bobby pins all over our house. 

Him and I might never be friends again.  I miss that the most though.  He was my best friend.
I wish him all the happiness in the world.  He is such a kind person, caring, loving, and I just want him to be happy. 

My past relationships have shaped me into who I am today.  In the past I have been sad about them but I am no longer sad about those past relationships because they happened and they were real and I know they loved me too. 
And they know they did.

Nothing will take away what me and any of my previous boyfriends have been through together.

I love all three of those men to this day.  All for different reasons. They helped me get through my darkest times whether they realize it or not, and have helped shape me into the strong, independent, goal-oriented beautiful person I am today.

And for that I will love them until I die. 

The Ex Files: Part Two: Mr. Dick

We dated for a long time... off and on for the better half of three years.  That doesn't include the 10 months at the beginning when, I had to trick him into dating me.

That's a thing I do, by the way.  If you don't want to date me, I will hang out until I wear you down and then, the next thing we are together.

The first time I met him I had just gotten back from Spring Break my freshman year from Florida with my family.  I was talking to this guy while I was gone and he invited me over to his friend's house and that's when I saw this gorgeous creature. 
I hung out with my girl friend  over there for an hour or so and then we headed to a party. 
I couldn't stop thinking about that blonde haired, blue eyed master piece. 
So I got drunk and went back over to hang out with him.
I was 19 at the time and they wanted to go to the bar.
So the first time we kissed I was drinking underage at a bar.
This was, also, the first time I had ever drank at a bar.

I was living in a different town, but he would make the effort to come see me.
Once he surprised me at my dorm.  Tackled me to the ground and I cried.
We had so many adventures together.

He was the best boyfriend I had ever had.
He was my biggest supporter, and cheerleader.
I was so in love with him.

Fireworks, holidays with our families, birthdays, ski trips, the aquarium, spontaneous trips to Amarillo, going to the lake, waking up in the middle of the night singing to John Mayer and Something Corporate, snow dayss, my car wreck, bingo. So many memories. 

Which it has been 4 years since we have been together, and the montage of events of us are always similar to the memories Facebook shows me which, are all the good times.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it all really happened. 

They weren't all good. 

I was so insecure in our relationship.  I use to go through his phone because I didn't trust him. 
Things would happen, and he would disappear for days and I couldn't understand what was happening.

We were growing up but something wasn't right.  We were grow-up but growing apart.
It was so strange.

It was like a train wreck that I could see coming but couldn't stop or get out of the way from. 
It wasn't later that I found out there was a substance issue that destroyed him, and us.

I didn't know what was going on and I tried to tell him we were falling apart but things ended up bad,  I left him for one of his "best friends".

I am a terrible girlfriend.  You were warned. 

Years later, he turned his whole life around.  He is an amazing person.  He needed away from all of this.  I loved him, and I still have so much love for him.

Last I heard he has a beautiful girlfriend and treats her how I wish I could have been treated for the last year of our relationship.  I am very proud of him, and hope he knows I am still hoping the best for him.

 I haven't heard from him since 2014 but, maybe that's for the best for both of us.

I still tear up when I hear Dig by Incubus, if I can make it through the first 30 seconds.

The Ex Files: Part One: Freak Boy

There are over 300 reasons of why I am not dating anyone at the moment.

200 of those reasons are because of the kind of person I am, and how I like being alone. 

I have screwed up tremendously throughout all of my relationships.

 It is always after we break up and I go through my "post-breakup insan-o binge" that I figure out that it's because I am a mess of a human.

Mainly we breakup because I don't know exactly what I want in life.
It's a little bit better now because I have a better understanding of who I am now, and why I am the way I am the way I am.

I have surprisingly become more confident in myself, comparative to how I use to be.   Scary huh.

When you don't know what you want in life, your insecurities are tenfold because you are a lost, codependent little puppy.

I have had several boyfriends most lasting 6 months tops, with the exception of two.

I have been truly IN head over heels love with 3 people.

And I am doing a three part series where I am going to talk about them.
(Oh yes, this is going to be fun) 

The first was the absolute worst boyfriend I had ever had in my life.
The first time we met was at a party in the 8th grade.  He was a year older than me and tied to a chair with duct tape the first time I laid eyes on him.
 And then we proceeded to lock tongues for 2 hours, and he left with out telling me anything more than his first name.  This was my first time kissing a stranger, but his high school scruff and long curly blonde locks had me at "will you help me out of this duct tape?" 

Then, I ran into him two months later at a movie with his friend and my friend who were dating.  He was eating a Quzino's sandwich in the middle of a theater.
 I fell very hard.
Apparently, at the ripe ole age of 13 it doesn't take a lot to fall in love.
Then when I finally reached high school we dated for one week, where he ended up cheating on me with another girl on my birthday, and the night of homecoming.

We were very young and stupid, and I was in love, so naturally I had to get him back and make him pay for it.
I got back at him by dating his best friend, and kissing boys in front of him.
To where he would yell at me. 
Needless to say, we were far past the point of return: he wanted me back and I wanted him.   These reasons were purely from the fact we didn't want to see each other with anyone else. 
We wrote each other notes in the hallway, that I still have in my room. 
He use to sneak into my basement and we would talk late at night, and I would get caught every single time.
But I didn't care.

He moved away and I moved away after my freshman year.  I thought I would never hear from him again.
I was 15 years old, and had no idea about the world, or what was actually important in life and not.

I knew I was wrapped around his finger though.  We kept in contact here and there when we left.  I moved to Oklahoma and he to Tennessee.  I didn't think we were going to cross paths.
We had the most messed up relationship you could have.  But what came from it what the closest bond I have ever had with another person.

He completely destroyed me as a person in every single aspect of the word when we were children.  He made me believe that, that was how another person was supposed to be treated.
That was not the case obviously and for some reason the forces of the universe kept us close.
A huge part has to deal with me being a completely forgiving push-over and wanting acceptance and love from everyone.

But this beautiful disaster came from it. 

He did take me to my first dance ever as a freshman and my last dance ever as a senior.
We still  talk regularly and see each other at least once a year.

I would not be the person I am today without him in my life.  
We have the strangest, rarest relationship in the world.