I had my scheduled yearly today.
Not that we couldn't have done it the other 50 times I had been there this year.
But naturally, I had missed my beautiful gynecologist, so I didn't object.
It has been one month since my 3 week post-op appointment.
I was afraid they forgot what my face looked like.
I scheduled my appointment early because I was feeling 9:15am, a month ago.
This morning, I was not feeling it.
I woke up at 8:30 and started rushing around because I was less than prepared for anyone to see what was under my very comfortable leopard print pajama bottoms.
I don't even understand why I wear those bottoms. They always make me sweat an uncomfortable amount when I wake up.
Anyways, I had to dry shave my legs because I was not trying to have Dr. S think I am careless like all of the other patients she has.
I figured it's like a jubilant surprise to see my young sporty body in comparison to the over-weight, overly hairy yetis that I have seen walk through those doors.
I'm sure they are all very lovely people.
I arrived on time because my loving father let me borrow his vehicle to take the turnpike. I really need to invest in a pass but, I just come up with too many excuses to break down and get one.
Regardless, I made it on time. I had to park a mile away because, I have a very tough time parking his vehicle. It's so large and I normally drive Betty White and she is indestructible and my father can be terrifying so, I would rather keep his objects safer than mine.
Well after my mile, fast-paced walk, and an elevator ride, I made it.
I didn't even have to sign in.
They took my weight, which I could have told them what it was. I weigh myself every day. 126. I haven't grown. I did go to the bathroom before I walked in which was a shame because I had to give a sample. So I ran some water and sang, Don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and lakes you're used to I know your going to have to your way or nothing at all but I think you're moving too fast, to myself and then magic happened.
They put me back in the room with the horrible picture of a red flower, which in my opinion just looks like an angry vagina. It makes me have really bad anxiety. Like why would you put that in there. It's not even like a really great painting. I just don't understand why you would have a red themed room at a gynecology office.
I finally am alone to take my clothes off, all of this time. No shirt allowed. I got this paper vest that I like to wear the opening in the back. It makes me feel sexy with an exposed back, yet not too sexy because it's a paper shirt.
Dr. S comes on in and sits on the counter and we discuss some medical stuff and then she says to me,
Kelsey, we need to talk....Your blog. I heard.... you feel broken? You aren't broken. Just because you don't have your tubes doesn't make you less. You are still desirable. You will find someone who is willing to take you for all of you. I know it is hard to do this alone but you are so strong.
I stared at her.
I started tearing up, yet doing my best to hid it.
I have, literally, trusted this woman with my life.
And she told me things that I have heard from so many people. But coming from her was something so life changing.
Maybe it's because she has seen my everything, maybe it's because she has literally cut me open and seen my insides, maybe it's because she would call me on the weekends when I was so sick to check on me, or maybe it's a combination of everything but, she threw me through a loop.
I was speechless.
She gave me a giant hug.
I needed that hug. I needed those words from her.
I was so caught up in my feelings that I didn't even realize I was hugging her with only a very thin sheet between her and my nakedness.
I didn't even care.
It's so strange how the human mind works.
My family tells me all the time how beautiful and special I am, and mainly I never consider this because I feel, maybe, they feel an obligation to make me feel better. And random guys tell me I am pretty but 92% of the time it is because it is their feeble attempt to see me naked.
But, Dr. S; She didn't have to say that. She didn't have to reach out. She has so many other patients, and she actually cares how I view myself.
I'll never forget that moment.
As I was leaving, I said goodbye to everyone and told them I will see them in a year.
They told me they would miss me.
And I knew I would actually miss seeing them too.