Tuesday, October 4, 2016

New Wound, Same Scars

At a young age I understood the obsession with physical perfection.

Who didn't want to look like the models.  We all do, whether we admit it or not. 
My fear of weight gain took a toll on me significantly during my early high school years. 

I would eat my body weight in food and quickly leave the table to my lonely secrets of purge and discontent. My family would unknowingly joke of my disappearance, and little did they know they were right.

I got over this on my own and became accepted to what I had to look at.  

Then, 2013 hit and I was in a "comfortable" relationship.....filled with passion and love.
That last part is a very obvious joke. 
My every insecurity was presented like a well-received award through the lack of passion and intimacy. 
The comments of disapproval and dissatisfaction reinforced my fears.  If he didn't love me then how could anyone else. I believed that to be true.

When I left, I began to rebuild like that last, cheesy scene in San Andreas...

Two years later I found myself in a weird position, where I get diagnosed with this weird... thing..
It's not an illness,  I don't want to say it's a disease, and I am not "sick" .. so thing..

**Insert all post to this point***

And now I am here. I am just here. 

I am working on this insecurity but I am having a really tough time with what I have to deal with now. 

I am so worried that when I take my clothes off, and the person I am with will look at me....
and think....

Show me the Carfax.

Why do I want this model when I can have one without all the damage. One without all the problems.

I seriously, true to God, thought I found that.  
I thought that's what I had. 
And I know that I am over thinking this when I say it..
...but what if that's why. Not the explained why but the rudimentary rationale. 

A part of me after years of this profound insecurity has reinforced this fear. 

How long does it take to unlearn that. 

It is ruining my sleep.
It is ruining my dreams.
It is ruining my thoughts.
It is ruining everything. 

1 comment:

  1. Forget the Carfax, you're a person. You're under no obligation to explain away, apologize for, or minimize your life experiences. To anyone. A lot of times, our rough edges are what give others something to latch on to.