I probably haven’t had real bad anxiety in a long time.
Like I had a full blown panic attack when I moved into my new house, where the walls were shutting in and even outside it felt like I was stuck in a seemingly bottomless chasm.
It's so hard to explain this menacing flow of uncertainty. It was getting to a point where I would just lay in bed thinking of every mistake I have made in the last 20 years. It's a toxic nightmare that didn't make any sense.
It was an argument with myself. I would speak out loud to tell the baleful assertions in my head that they were wrong,
I would be proclaiming I am worthy! I am not nothing!
I didn't realize that after everything there would be so much mental pain too.
The doctors were so adamant about me seeking council to reconcile with myself over the difficulty of my prognosis. At first I thought they were worried about how I would take not being able to have children and, though difficult, I have found most peace with that.
So why do I have to speak my inner thoughts and desires and take these pills if I am fine.
I didn't realize they could have been betting on the fact that I would need assistance to get through the nights I don't want to go out because of the pain or the constant worry of feeling fat because of the effects this disease has on your body, endo belly..so hot.
I didn't realize that it would take a toll on my relationships with the inability to be intimate when I want to.
I didn't realize.
It was getting to a point where I was mad at myself and mad at God and why he would make me this defective human.
I am worthy. I should feel that way at least. It's a struggle. It's sometimes to a point where work takes a toll, home takes a toll, friends take a toll, and it becomes too much.
That was enough. I didn't want to lose it all. I did something I swore I would never do again. Because I felt stronger at one point but I was mad, I was getting angry, every trigger would consume me. I was losing my compassion, losing sight, being awful and ugly to everyone around me. I did it I got on anxiety medication.
I didn't want to lay in bed for hours feeling so stiff that I couldn't move. I wanted to take my life back.
I wanted to be kinder to those around me.
I was nervous about this change. Before the doctors didn't worry about what it was doing to me. It was making me a zombie. It literally almost killed me.
But this time was different; I was ready for it.
Did it make me feel like I had succumbed to this feat? Did it feel like I had given up on my own ability to take control of my own life?
Yes it did...at first. But I have found myself thinking more clearly, not overcome with rage and anxiety.
It was a beautiful moment to feel like I had gained my life back.
I was worried a lot about the stigma.
Take your crazy pills Kelsey.
But I am not crazy. Am I crazy? Maybe, I am crazy. But it's not crazy to want to take control of your life.
I don't care for the negative connotation of this majestic antidote.
Do I feel like I want to shut myself in my room anymore and wait for a better day?
No.
I took my life back.
Hi Kelsey,
ReplyDeleteIt's, like, very likely that you don't remember me. And it's, like, kinda weird that I remember you. Even weirder that you, a girl named Maura, and a guy named Kyle are the only people I remember from my 9th grade history class at Woodbridge. I don't even remember the teacher's name, but I do remember she played Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights during our tests, which I'm listening to now for nostalgia's sake. I remember your seemingly carefree laugh, and that you were always kind to me whenever we were assigned seats near each other. You kept me included in conversations sometimes, which meant a lot to a quiet girl trying to find her way. Or maybe you just included me in a conversation once. Either way, it stuck. I came across you blog by chance today and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to reach out. I’m stunned by your amazing writing. I write about mental health and the real and raw world too over at eversoroco.com, if you ever want to check it out. Thank you for sharing your light with the world. I wish you all the wellness.
Roconia
You message has touched me deeply Roconia and I am trying to search my mind and life before here. I feel sometimes I block things out that I shouldn't have.
ReplyDeleteIt has really deeply made me feel so much love that you could remember me. Thank you for reading my blog. I write as if no one will read it. It makes me feel like I can be bolder than I should when I write like that. I will definitely read your writing.
love, Kelsey