It's always a little rough to sit in the OBGYN waiting rooms. There is always an over abundance of expectant women with their loving husbands waiting to see ultra sounds of their little ones.
Wouldn't that be cool.
But on the contrary some are just there for their yearly, you can always tell because they look a little less tense.
Me, I'm just waiting for relief.
It seems to take eternity, especially when you are nervous. I am trying to conceal my worry with writing at this very moment. I am back to see Dr. P today because I am to receive trigger point injections again. I have previously wrote in regards to this and still never seem to remember the exact emotions I feel.
They called my name and it felt in a brief moment like an echo. I got up to head to my destination.
The first step is always blood pressure and weight. I was talking so much to mask my nerves that the machine wouldn't take and she finally had to kindly tell me to stop talking.
It was normal.
Then I was weighed. 116. Seems I've lost quite a few pounds.
We head back to the room and the kind nurse asks me roughly 237492349 questions on what I'm allergic to and how I feel.
After we had gotten to know each other like a script I've recited so many times that I've committed it to memory, she did what happens every time,
"Please undress from the waist down, someone will be right in"
I take off my sweat pants and underwear and neatly fold them on the chair. I do something I never do; I kept my socks on. As you well know, I don't do socks when I take my clothes off. It stresses me out. But today seemed different.
I laid back and looked to my right and there was a picture of a setting sun on the water.
My destination.
I began to think of something my father said today to me, Embrace the suck....
Lately there has been a lot of suck in my life. The feeling lately of being taken for granted. The feeling of putting myself into all I do and having nothing for myself. I put every single ounce of all who I am in my job, in my relationship and in other random little parts of my life.
It's been so rough of me mentally. Very rough. Not sleeping. Not eating.
I've shut down in all aspects of my life.
Except one.
In the room, I kind of feel tears welling up in my eyes and I began to pray the Hail Mary and the Lord's Prayer, back to back, in a whisper because it's just for Him and I.
There is a knock at the door,
"Come in"
It wasn't Dr. P it was her PA, we will call her Dr. T. Well Dr. T is this super skinny, beautiful, soft spoken little angel. I really wanted to ask her where she got her skirt from.
She came in with a nurse who had the best resting bitch face I had ever seen in my life, and the only time she opened her mouth it was to ask if I wanted to hold her hand.
Dr. T placed little x's on my body to pin point each area she was going to insert the injections.
There were at the time 9 sharpied X's on my body.
She then asked me the most horrifying thing I've ever heard in my entire human life.
"Would you like an internal shot as well"
Excuse me...what...
My face must have looked horrified, the only words that could leave my lips were,
"That's a thing...."
She began to explain how it would really help my condition, but as she asked me the 1.25" needle was in the nurses hands and I couldn't even imagine putting that inside of me or wanting to even remotely do that at all.
It was a no from me dog.
I told her I would think about it for the next round.
I was all prepped and I was laying back becoming anxious again and I finally looked at that beautiful RBF and said please hold my hand.
The first few are always the worse. But the lidocaine takes control and the last few you feel nothing. The soreness is coming though. We decided on 10 shots due to the amount of serum left in the vial this time.
After she finishes, I lay there and she tells me to not get up too fast. Move when I am ready.
I don't cry this time.
I have three more appointments scheduled, two being in the month of December.
I have found through all of my reflection and inner thoughts that I have been putting everything under the sun over myself: my feelings, my mental health, my physical health, my sanity.
I matter too.
God I matter too.
I'm worn so thin that I have just shut down.
How do you come back from that.
I just need to breathe.
God I matter too.
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