Well That Could Have Been Bad.

Well turns out that medicine was way worse than I thought.

So I quit taking that medicine for my nerve pain on Friday.

On Sunday night I had a slight cough and took the proper dosage of cough medicine and went to bed.

When I woke up Monday morning something was very, very wrong.
I wanted out of my own skin.
I need to get out of my own body.
I was purging stomach bile.
I was trembling.
I was losing my balance.
I was seeing double.

I stumbled down to my mother's bathroom.  I sat on her bathtub counter.   I looked at her and tried to say
"Something isn't right"
It came out in a stuttered mess.
I began to cry.

She stopped what she was doing and held me.

Something is very, very wrong.
I couldn't even tell her what was going through my head.

There were no colors in my eyes, only blackness.



(I debated putting this up. But I am. I have shared this with the people I trust most, but this needs to be known. My father took this picture to show the doctor.)

I needed to calm down.

My dad and mom laid me down on their bed.  I was so lost.
Once I calmed down enough to speak so they could understand me.

My dad emailed my professors, and put a bunch of blankets on me.
We called my digestive doctors's office.  They were less than helpful.
We finally made our way to see a doctor.

Finally we were told that their was
"an adverse effect of the combination of medicines" and that I was "going through withdrawals" of this awful, awful medicine.

Ironically enough, it was the first time I didn't feel abdominal pain.



I am still going through some of the withdrawals.
Still very shaky, anxious, uncertain, sweaty, panicky.


It has to run its course.
It's better right now.


I am hopeful that this feeling will leave me alone soon.


I wasn't kidding when I said listen to your body. 
This medicine might work for some people, but I was not one of them.
I have never been so fearful in my life. 
I really didn't know if my body could have handled all of those "drugs".


I joked earlier about being a terrible drug addict.  But who would be?


I share this because you need to be aware of what you put in your body.  I was naïve enough to think that if the doctor gave it to me; it must be safe.  That is not always the case.  I hate to say that, but it isn't.  I am lucky that this combination didn't kill me.
Never Again.

Fueling Blank Faces

This weekend was a very interesting one.
Well I think it was interesting.. But I, also, watched the 1962 version of To Kill a Mockingbird on Friday, as well as, Pride and Prejudice, and Dear Zachary.
Some pretty "lit" night as the cool kids would say.


I couldn't sleep to save my life, which is the opposite of what those "nerve pain" pills were suppose to help with. 
When I finally did fall asleep, I had a dream that my teeth were getting pried out tooth by tooth, and I could feel the hole where they once were.  I could feel the pain of  each tooth getting ripped out of my mouth.  I could feel the blood coming out of my mouth, on to my tied down hands.  I was wearing a white shirt, my hair was pulled back in my typical pony, and I was tied to a black chair; it was wooden. 
I could see my teeth on the table.  They looked like sea barnacles, and coral. 


It felt so real.  I woke up 3 hours later of what seemed like a life time of pain and torture.
"Is this a side effect of the medicine that is supposed to be helping me?"


Hell yeah it was.
I did a little research on these pills the doctors have me on for my chronic nerve pain. 
This medicine is not just for nerve pain, but it's used to treat depression.  It is also used to treat PTSD.
I have no depression issues, and I do not suffer from PTSD.
The side effects include:
blurred vision
change in sexual desire, or ability
constipation
diarrhea
dizziness
drowsiness
dry mouth
trouble sleeping
weakness
headaches
loss of appetite
nausea
tiredness
involuntary or uncontrollable movements (this side effect happens in over 60 percent of patients and is likely to be permanent): in the tongue, face, mouth, jaw, legs, and arms
eye problems (high risk)
chest pain
confusion
dark urine
difficulty speaking, or swallowing
hallucinations
night terrors
fainting
numbness
problems sitting still
panic attacks
unusual or severe mood changes
seizures
slurred speech
aggressiveness
impulsiveness


 There are a few more, but I think you get the picture.
I understand they have to account for every single side effect that could happen or has happened to any person ever taking this medication ever.
But to risk of all of this to help the nerves in my stomach so I don't vomit?
These are the potential side effects.  I have been taking it for 4 days and the mood swings are very real, the night terrors are real, the headaches, the problems sitting still, the tiredness, and the nausea, the loss of appetite ... all very real.
The drawbacks of this medication outweighs significantly the pros of it.
They told me to give it a month.


I stopped today.
As soon as I read change in sexual desire and ability, I knew it was time to throw in the towel. I am already having all the problems in the world with that, no need to Clam Jam myself more than necessary.


I will call tomorrow, but they are just looking for a solution rather than understanding the problem.  How can a medicine that is suppose to help cause that many problems. 
I have felt less like myself a more like a stranger to my own body.


I listened to my body and it told me to stop.
I'd rather feel all the pain in the world than ever lose myself.

Nervous Guts? No Problem.

Well outside of my lack of baby-making ability, I have had a little bit of a stomach problem.
(As I mentioned previously in my blog)

I had the white one. 

The CameraPill...remember?
Well the lovely Paula, from Dr. N's office, called today on my way to class today.  She explained that the CameraPill was a little unsure and they can never really tell with the pictures.
Which has been a very common response I have been getting from these wonderful tests.

I still need to get those pictures hopefully in JPEG form.
I know you are curious of what this pill looked like, and the very sexy get-up.
So here you go:

The Get-Up. 

And I am not 100%, but I'm pretty sure it has exited the aircraft safety.
That will always be one of Kelsey's Biggest Mysteries: CameraPill, Did you ever come out? 

Anyways, they had executively determined that I have overactive nerves in my guts.

That was her exact words, "overactive nerves in my guts".
I don't even think I know exactly what that means.

She has slightly explained a few very intense medical words that had way too many vowels for a normal word.  Then, said that I would have to start taking this medicine that old people use to take to help manage the pain in my abdomen.

She did tell me it will help me sleep, and God knows, I need that.

We will give it a month to see if it helps.
I am going to be positive about it because, I know it's mostly about mindset.

In all honesty,  I will be thankful for any relief.
I am not huge on showing weakness or complaining, but
This really sucks. 

I know I can overcome this.
But right now it does it sucks.  I want to eat spicy sushi, and drink a Bloody Mary, without vomiting.
I want to eat sweets without having to lay down for 30 minutes like I am waiting to get in the pool.

The positive side is that because I don't want to risk eating all this food in fear of vomiting; I have lost a lot of inches and am in probably in the best shape of my life.

So when people ask me how I lost the weight....
I tell them Get a "GI problem" 

In all seriousness, I don't wish this on anyone.

The First One

Pre-Warning:  This is my first blog.  This is my first blog post.  I have no idea how to approach this, so please, bear with me. 

This will be my longest post (I hope).

 I honestly don't know where to begin.  So I guess, I will just jump in. 


My name is Kelsey.  I am currently 25 years old, and a student at the University of Central Oklahoma.  This blog is starting as a requirement for one of the courses I am taking called, Blogging for Journalist.  That being said some post will be in reflection of that.

The other reason, which I didn't realize until as of recent, I am writing this blog is to create awareness. 

Before I really get into it, I have to say this...
I don't want this to be a "dear diary, woe is me, feel bad for me, tragedy strikes" blog.
I do not want your pity.  There is nothing wrong with me.

This is a therapeutic outlet, because there are others.  They may not know it, but they exist.
1 in 8, actually.
 
Well, 1 in 8 couples, at least that's what Google says, so it must be true. 1 in 8 couples deal with problems of infertility. 



Technically the definition of infertility is "Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year." Typically that is the way you find out, right? 



I wish I could have been so lucky.



My story is a long, dreadful, graphic one, so I will graciously spare you the details but basically:



I started cramping like crazy, and not like regular "suck-it-up-don't-be-a-wimp" cramps because I can handle those, these were the "drug-me-to-stop-the-tears-and-vomiting" cramps.


I went to three different doctors.


I had a very uncomfortable ultrasound.


I found that one of my fallopian tubes, (the passage ways from the ovary to the uterus, AKA egg dropper to the baby holder; you are welcome) from the ultrasound images, was blocked. 

So then in October 2015, we decided to do Laparoscopic Surgery (which is where they knock you out, pump you full of CO2,  put this scope thing that checks out your insides through you belly button, and two small incisions on the abdomen, so they can stick these claw-like things in your stomach to move things around).



Let's just say, we opened Pandora's Box with that.


So I found out that not just one, but both tubes are completely blocked.

I asked about reconstruction; they can't do it.

I asked about draining them; it's impossible, they are solid.


So after the semester ended in December, I went to see two specialists to find out what the hell I was going to do.  The Reproduction Specialist, and the Digestive Specialist, because I have two problems now:


1. I have completely blocked tubes.
2. They don't think that is the cause of my abdominal pain.


So over the winter break, I worked A LOT, to try and keep up with these insane medical bills, and I went to the doctors. 


At the Reproduction Specialist they said that the only way for me to have children is IVF.


IVF is In Vitro Fertilization. 


This is probably the most romantic way to have a baby.  

This is where they shoot you full of shots for months, you have this surgery where they stick this needle in your abdomen suck out an egg to a petri-dish, swish it around with homeboys sperm, wait a few days, and then stick it in the uterus aka the baby holder.  Then you have a 50% chance that will take.


By the way, its 15,000 dollars, nonrefundable, but it's totally cool, because if it doesn't take then you can freeze some of your eggs and they only cost 5,000 per egg, also, nonrefundable.


The chances go down after the age of 35, so at least I have 10 years to save up for this or decide if I even want to put myself through that. 


And of course, the other obvious ways such as foster parent, adoption, and/or marry a guy some day with a kid. 

(They obviously didn’t say the last one but, it is an option)

I will keep it short on the Digestive Specialist because it has nothing to do with my infertility, yet it is so interesting.  So in short with this doctor, I have had an Endoscopy, a colonoscopy (yes at the same time, and no, not the same scope), a CAT scan, and on Tuesday, I get to swallow the camera pill.  

Pretty excited about the camera pill because I will hopefully get some results and the pictures will go towards my collection for my Christmas card next year.

The Christmas card is an ongoing joke, but I am so serious.

So now my wonderful readers, you are up to speed.

There are ups and there are downs.  
There are beautiful parts, and there are less beautiful parts, but my goal for this blog is to shed light on what infertility really means for a young single woman who actually wanted to have children.  

So stay tuned for this roller-coaster.   

KA