Monday, March 7, 2016

Fauxgasm: Faking It

Little Baby Update: Pun intended,  It has been officially two weeks since the expulsion of my fallopian tubes. 
Naturally, I have some major discomfort from the actual incision, but the never-ending pain that I was experiencing since late September is absent.
I never thought I would feel better.

It makes all those sleepless nights on the brink of death, worth it.

The sleeping has definitely gotten worse, but right now, I am content with life.

 I even tore it up a little this weekend.  Don't be alarmed, no pills were involved.

My relationship status is still nonexistent due to multiple factor.
I will say it has most to deal with my inability to put up with nonsense, but that is neither here nor there. 
And also, realizing that my options are more than limited due to the factor that I am not looking for a licentious relationship. 

I, also, believe timing is a factor.

The point that I am in my life is that I would like to travel the world with my own personal Casanova, that seduces me with intellect, creativity, and passion rather than with his baby-making banana bazooka. 

That every trip we take together will be named, like a hurricane or a child, so that when we look back, and reminisce on life, we can smile and say, "Remember Larry?"
How could I forget.

I know he exists; I'm sure he is just 1,328 miles away.

Just a little patience and things will all fall into place.

I am facing a lot right now, which is helping occupy my time.
Two months until I graduate and then, I can begin to pull-out my eyelashes due to a stress-filled panic to starting "real life".
I have tried to stay in college as long as possible because the thought of growing up is the most terrifying thing I could think of.
Well that, and dying alone.
 I'm not exactly out of the woods yet on either, so you can see my predicament.

But I feel like no one is really prepared for anything, or has it together; they are just good at faking it until they make it. 

We are all kind of just stumbling around wondering if we are going to make it out alive this week.

I have to start preparing for what feels like the beginning of a new chapter, and then perhaps I will find some clarity in my disheartening thoughts.

Yet, I am having a case of writers-block and, I have no idea how to even begin to write my next portion in my sci-fi romantic novel.

I can only assume that my next chapter is filled with unicorns, and happy-endings due to my anticlimactic storyline thus far.

I feel the need for adventure.
Due to all of my "medical bullshit", I have really decided that my 20's have been the worst era for myself.  I just need to grow a pair and start saying yes to life, rather than being scared of a risk.

I told my mother the other day that I couldn't really see myself getting old.  Not in the aspects of like being an older person, but in living that long.  I have always had some eerie suspicion that I won't live to be a grandparent.  Which, I guess, could be true because I would have to be able to have children in order for them to have children.

I guess, my sub-conscious has a sick way of making my suspicions more of a livable reality, rather than a capital punishment.

I know that all sounds super morbid, but I have a feeling that, that could be more of an unspeakable common-thought rather than, a far-fetched notion.  

I have remained extremely positive though, at least in my opinion, which is also the only one in this situation that really matters.

I just have to continue to remind myself of the 5 most important things:

1.  I am a champion.  In all senses of the word. I have overcome a lot and, I am not letting a single thing stand in my way, nor despair me.

2. I am a beautiful person.  Not because of my exterior shell, but because my heart is good.  I genuinely care, despite whether a person is "deserving" or not because, in my eyes, everyone is deserving. 

3.  I am valuable.  It has taken me a long time to understand my self-worth. But now, I know what I am capable of .  I know what I can offer, and that is half of the battle.

4.  I am smart.  I have never made the grades, but because I had this preconceived notion that I was in a competition of my siblings.  I am not in a competition with them; I am in a competition with the person I was a year ago.  And, I am sure as hell surpassing every expectation of myself that I had.  I am very knowledgeable in the strangest ways, but that's what leads me to my final point.

5. I am not like anyone else.  Everyone in this world is like a finger print.  We have similarities.  But we are all different.  I have so much to offer, but so do you.  No person in this world is better than anyone else.
I am so strange, but that's the best part about me.

As long as I remind myself of these things, I am going to eventually believe them and that's the best thing about the mind.
If you truly believe it; that makes it true.

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