Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Oprah in the Spring

Oh the babies are abundant this time of year. 

All the little gremlins are all making their appearances from those steamy summer nights.

I went to see one of my best girl friends brand new baby today.
I was a little apprehensive at first due to my extreme awkwardness around babies to begin with and that this will be the first baby I've actually seen since the surgery. 

I have no idea how I have done it but I have managed to avoid seeing small people until this day. 
Besides social media exposing every single baby bump, new born, and first walks. 

Anyways, I received a message from one of my other dear friends that I hadn't seen since the summer at her baby shower.  I had yet to meet her new baby; not because I didn't want to but because it's honestly really hard to see something so cool and cute and small; and not feel a sense of sadness and jealousy.

I have said it 100 times; I don't want a baby right now, but it begins to haunt your thoughts when you can't. 

Seriously though, this little 7 month old baby was so cool. I, eventually, built up the courage to hold her.  She was like just making all these noises and yelling, but not because she was upset, but she just wanted to make noise.   It was so strange to hold this little human that has thoughts, and facial expressions.  I normally talk to babies like they are just another person.
Baby S and I talked politics, about the time her mom and I did some reckless nonsense, and then I drove her around the hospital room in the baby burrito holder that the new born baby rolled out on..
And of course, I licked her. 

It's my thing.  All of my friends children I have licked.  It's like a good luck thing.

The usual stuff.

I may or may not have had some expression of feelings with saline like forms of water coming from my eyes.

I'm even worse when it comes to new born babies.  I have no idea how to act around them.  Like they are super, duper small and I am not exactly sure what you are suppose to do with them.

Like am I suppose to do something?

These two girls and I use to hang out frequently before our lives all went in different directions.
That being said all of us could go months with out seeing each other and still have a lot of love for each other.  They are very similar to the person that I am.

I  feel like me in a mom form would be very similar to how they are as parents, which is honestly the strangest thing I have ever seen. 
I never pictured either one of these crazy, wild ones as moms but they are, and they are killing it.

I do feel like my situation is a blessing with in itself.  I have no idea what my plan is in life and that's fine. 

Perhaps, I wasn't meant to be a mom. I am kind of uncomfortable when I am around them.

Which is so strange because I am a woman.  I have the parts of being a woman. I just can't do what women do.

Am I like that Britney Spears song, "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"? 

My older sister use to sing that song to my younger sister, until she started her period..  Then she would tell her she upgraded to a woman. 

I don't even have a period any more.
I mean that's super tight.
But, what does it mean for me?
I am 25 years old.

It's all very perplexing to think about.

And I do think about all these things. More than I should.

It's all so conflicting when I get caught up in my own mind on decisions I will eventually have to make. 

Will I ever even be able to be with someone long enough to be like will you be my baby daddy, or will  I decide to just not do that?

Will I adopt?

Will I try and go through IVF and have a baby?

Will I ask my sister to be my sister wife and carry my baby, and be a surrogate but have the baby call her Aunt-Mom?

Will I say screw it and never have kids?

I mean they are like a lot of responsibility, and I can barely take care of myself.

This is overwhelming.

I really shouldn't write at night.

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