Thursday, March 31, 2016

Missed Connection: w4confidence

Despite what you might think.  I am shy. Very shy.

Especially in the beginning.

In the last year I have had a complete rollercoaster of self-image.

This is pretty typical because I am a woman and woman generally are:
1. Self-Conscious
2. Absolutely Insane 

That being said every woman in this world has some serious crazy to her, if she says she doesn't; she is a liar.

Lately, I have felt like an absolute crazy person.

Not a "burn your clothes in the street" crazy because frankly, I don't care enough about someone to do that. 
But a "I cannot bring myself to connect with another person" crazy.

Whether that be a friendship or romantically.

And I know it has to do with my lack of confidence since my surgery. 

I am a hit or miss when it comes to confidence. 

I can look in the mirror one day and think
"dang girl you killin' it today with your fine self"
and the next
"Wow you really need to not wear that. Look at your love-handles.  No one wants to handle that love"

It has been a huge struggle to get past this, and I am not even sure I know how.

I have taken my working out to an extreme that I feel guilty if I don't work out for a certain amount of time, or do a certain number of sets.

I feel guilty eating certain things.

I just feel when I look at myself it is a mess, and that if I can't love it how can someone else.
It's getting so out of control that I have been consuming myself with loneliness.

If I focus on everything else it seems to fade away for a little but, it keeps me up at night. I even find myself doing crunches at 2:00 in the morning.

Don't eat that.
One more lap.
Don't do that.
Stop that.

I know I said before I wouldn't be ashamed of this scar but, I am.

I am ashamed of what it stands for.
I am ashamed of how it looks.
I am ashamed of who it has turned me into. 

This doubt-filled loner.

This all being said...

This all could be a spiraling effect of all my stress.  Consuming me into self-doubt and, maybe, if I was less stressed out with graduation, finding a career, somehow getting 15 years of experience in my field before May, all while making 100,000 dollars, then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't lack self-confidence.

Does that go away with time?

How do I make it stop?

I really don't want to feel this way. So why do I.

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