Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Snipped, Glued, Stitched.. All better, Right?

Well turns out I didn't die on Monday, so that's dope.
And the Tubes are gone, yo!

We arrived at the hospital at 4:45 for my 5 am check-in.
I had slept maybe an hour and a half, which is a big deal.

I had finally entered my room
I, of course, managed to get the gown that doesn't tie in the back because the string has been cut.
I try to get away with wearing my underwear and sports bra.
The nurse just shakes her head at me.

Naked it is. The gown barely covers anything.  I did shave my legs for the occasion.
I put the hospital socks on, which is out of my norm.  I don't like wearing socks, when I am naked.

I get all hooked up the the IV and the nurse tells me the anesthesiologist,  Dr. Stark was coming.

I immediately asked..
..... Tony?
The nurse said that she was a woman, and that she didn't know if her husband's name was Tony.

Poor, stupid, beautiful nurse.

Let's just say she could have been Tony Stark's wife.  She was gorgeous.

At 7:03, I entered the surgery room.

I woke up at 9:30 in my room for the night.  I was hooked up to an IV, breathing machine, pulse checker, catheter, and some things around my calves to make them move so I wouldn't develop blood clots in my legs.

I don't remember a whole lot from that day, but apparently I said some funny things.  My parent's made a list.  And took pictures.
When my brother arrived they took this one.
Apparently this is what I look like when I am sick. 

The breathing tube was weird, apparently the nose-like part on it measured my CO2 and if I took it off then the machine would beep uncontrollably, and then I would be yelled at by one of the nurses on the staff to keep the tube in.

I probably begged the nurse 87 times to take out my catheter; mixing it up how to ask her every time she came back in.
"Hey will you get me some ice chips, and oh, and take this catheter out"
"What does this button do, and oh the catheter, take it out." 

That thing is the bloody devil, and I hate it. 

My brother and my older sister came to see me.  I remember more when my older sister was there.
She brought me flowers and made me watch the bachelor.  It was torture of the purest, kindest form.

I, also, received flowers from the nicest man on earth whom I can only predict will be the future Mr. to my Yard.  That poor, beautiful man will end up with me on his doorstep with a backpack, and two, one-way tickets to nowhere.  

I didn't sleep worth a damn in the hospital. No one does. 
From being so high on morphine, and the every hour wake-ups, and shots in my stomach from the nightly Nurse Gay, The night was full of misery and business, to say the least. 

I just needed to get the hell out of there.

I finally left around 6 PM yesterday.  I slept like a baby, when I got home. 

I have felt utterly useless today though, and even more, so as I sit here watching my mother fold my laundry.  She is a saint, that I know for sure. 

It feel like the incision it not as big as I had thought.  She did cut through my tattoo, which I knew would happen, but it definitely went from a beautiful quote from my favorite book, to a Rihanna Lyric. 

Graphic Picture. My Bad,

I am not going to be ashamed of my scars.  

I will just tell people I got stabbed saving kittens. Everyone loves a good stabbing by saving kittens story.

Now, I just need to learn how to get up, go to the bathroom, cough, lay back down, walk, and sit without being in pain.

Seems easy enough. 


  1. Dad here: she had more to say after surgery, which for posterity I jotted down...although a major chapter in her life she always seems to keep it light...a few of her memorable ones. She mention her oxygen and provided a glimpse of the photo I took, which truly made her look like Squidward.

    When Kelsey states she was adamant about her catheter...that's understatement. Kelsey: The catheter has to go...just for an update!

    Talking about her going into surgery and her relationship with Dr Jennifer: talking about how her robe was fitting before surgery and how the button for checking EKG were cold. Jennifer noted how Kelsey robe didn't properly connect/tie in back. "Your cheeks will be showing, but if you got them you might as well show them." Dad: you have a close relationship with your doc. Kelsey: yep, most serious and personal relationship I have had for the past 7 years. She's seen it all."

    Typing on her phone. Jim: do you want some glasses? Kelsey: no I am drunk textingen it all."